Heidi G karlsson

"You don't deserve it." Could be ugly words. On the other hand, could be a compliment. You don't deserve... to be treated like that, the punishment, to get fired, to miss your promotion. OR You don't deserve ... him - he's too good for you, the pay raise, to be so beautiful... etc. These words got me the other day - and they were the wounds of a friend that brought life and freedom. I lamented that I might become a disappointment to someone, that I might not deserve their love. "You don't," she said. Anger then relief. How rude. How wonderful. I can't. I won't. I don't. Love comes at me and I don't need to worry that it will end because it's not a reward. It just is. And so am I. And there is a big sigh, and then a smile. I don't deserve this, but that doesn't change anything.

Today I could have put the moon in my pocket. It was that close. I drove up a hill toward it and suddenly I knew I just couldn't be alone with this amazing white glowing orb almost touching down right in front of me. So I called my friend and told her to look at it. She was as excited as I, even though her view was obscured and she'd have to first go for a drive in order to encounter the white wonder yonder. That's a friend. Excited with me even though she can't see what I'm talking about. Willing to do something about it because she believes me. Friends. I am so rich. When you have friends, what do you need? I am not sure about many things. Many many things. But when it comes to friends, I am sure that I do not deserve, did not earn, and could not have arranged for the people in my life who have made a decision to love me more than just when they feel like it. I don't understand it, and I try not to become annoying by talking about it too much, but I am fat in ...