MAKING SENSE OF ANXIETY - A COURSE by GORDON NEUFELD - PART 1 IN A SERIES ON ANXIETY

Today it the weather smells like the fall at Grandpa Wolfe's place. He and my grandma lived on a big lot out in the country next to a sheep farm. They had an old shop where he worked on cars and farm machinery. Lot's of metal paraphernalia hanging around the corners and filling up ditches. .. mysterious misshapen pieces of whatever for three little Suderkids and their imaginations to discover. Grandpa's in heaven and has been for about 8 years so it's funny to suddenly think of him. What's he doing? I think about my life. Today I was walking with my mom and my kids. I am .. well the nice way of saying is... I'm perty tired today. Yep. Tired indeed. The kids were pushing strollers (instead of riding in them. whatever. works for me) and my mom and I were trying to ensure their safety as they wobbled on the road, off the road, onto the neighbors lawn, "oh look there's some bricks to jump on" and the stroller is a rolling abandoned riderless vehicle and we walk on. My three year old is carrying a box that is half the size of him. I wish a had a camera. He is so precious as he grips the box and trips along beside grandma, talking the entire time. The gift is his cousin's birthday present. We are going to mail it to Quebec. This is a big outing. We're all very excited. We kissed the box before it went in the mail and the boys give the Post Office guy high fives. It's all very exciting. I go to the government office to change my last name. I do an incredible parallel parking job. Piece of pro driving. This is very exciting for me. I am proud of my driving. I feel great. Time goes on. I am editing my wedding video. . . DVD. Whatever. I'm surprised at how much I like to watch it. I don't remember so much of it. All day I am thinking about my friendships and how so much has changed in my life and how so much has to change. When we got to my mom's this morning, my little guy just looked at me and said, "home" in a sad, desperate sort of way. He wasn't demanding, just stating that this sort of mobility in his life isn't something that's serving his spirit. So instead of leaving him there and going out and getting some "all important" work done, I stayed we went on the aforementioned walk. All my priorities have shifted. Ok, maybe not all, but everything has been effected, and in all of this... reminds me of "shake everything that can be shaken." What remains? It's never been like this before (being a wife, having a family, focusing on 3 people instead of a church full of 'em). Things don't get done. Lists don't get checked off (in fact I rarely get around to making them). Things I was so good at before aren't even in the recesses of my mind.. My life is not my own and yet I am still completely 100% me. I love my life. I just have to figure it out a little bit. It has changed so I have to change to a certain extent as well (Maybe "grow" is a more appropriate word). I bet it's fun for God to watch. He answers prayers and then says, "how do you like those apples" and we stutter and smile and sputter and then need to rest for a while. More than I could hope or imagine. Happy day. Need a nap.