MAKING SENSE OF ANXIETY - A COURSE by GORDON NEUFELD - PART 1 IN A SERIES ON ANXIETY

However you spell "diss" in the past tense.. I don't know.. I know they say you don't know what you're talking about when you're not walking in someone else's shoes, but I tell you, it all makes sense to me now. I can't believe how much time my friends with husbands and kids made for me. I can't believe how I am not in charge of so many parts of my life anymore. I mean, all I did was get married and have kids... Of course.... there are days.. Today we were a family of superstars - bathed and out there in mother nature all jacketed and the house cleaned by 10 am. Some days it's 11 and I still have my pajama's on and have no idea what we've done, why it's taken so long and what I can do to bolster the day with some energy and productivity. As if productivity is the mother of all important things. I've started doing one load of laundry every day - completely... start to finish. It's changing my life. HAH! Thanks Victoria. Yesterday we went to Home Depot for an hour just to get out of the house. The boys played with vacuums. Why does "vacuum" have 2 u's? I just looked up the etymology and it's from a latin word "vacuus" meaning "empty space." Anyway. So moms raise people. People are pretty important - especially when you realize that those close familial relationships form the child's world view. .. not what we say, but how we live, what our eyes are full of, the tone our words are said in, and how great or small the supply of hugs and kisses come from us... how rigid or bending we are to have our lives interrupted. My brother and sister still haven't gotten Christmas presents from us. Not that it's ready to send or anything, because it's not. We haven't purchased a thing yet. Becoming a "we" changes more things than is calculable. Yesterday I was at a thing called Strong Start where parents bring their kids and play and read and interact with other parents playing and reading with their kids. It's fun. It's social. They have different toys in a very big room.. and a snack. And it's free. Anyway, this little boy comes over to me and my boys. He wants to play. His caregiver is a nanny. She's great, but she's chatting it up with a friend. So he leans on my lap. His brother comes over. There is a group forming. Me and 5 little boys. Three little strangers that sidled up to me. It was cute but I was sad. No matter how hard it ever gets, no matter how difficult a moment, no matter how tired I am, these are my kids and I am not going to give my moments with them away to a stranger. Thoughts thoughts thoughts. Controversies. People, little ones, are so important and valuable. Guess that's why my bed didn't get made yesterday. I tried to, but was constantly interrupted by someone else's needs, poops, pees, and questions, need to eat, and desire to read and cuddle. It's hard. Being a good mom, even a great mom... wow. It's no small task. So to all the mom's I didn't applaud because I didn't understand... Incredible. You show up places on time and looking beautiful. Your houses are clean enough to have people over. Your food is interesting and tastes good. You had time for me. All the times I was disappointed or expected more... I get it. .. now.