MAKING SENSE OF ANXIETY - A COURSE by GORDON NEUFELD - PART 1 IN A SERIES ON ANXIETY

I've read the word "anxiety" a million times on facebook and instagram. I've heard plenty of friends tell me their kids struggle with anxiety. I've even (sorry) rolled my eyes at conversations where people used the phrase "my anxiety is so bad"... because I thought they were being weak. Again. Sorry. 

I had NO CLUE what anxiety was or where it came from. 

Then my daughter's behavior started changing and the word anxiety started coming up. 

So I watched Gordon Neufeld’s course: “Making Sense of Anxiety.” For the full course, check it out from the library or view his 60 minute talk here. 

Here is what I've learned. 

Anxiety isn’t bad. It’s basically our relationship to being alarmed. 

We need attachment. Facing separation alarms us.

BUT this is a normal part of human development. This is the way the brain was meant to develop.

So good news. 

Alarm is HEALTHY. Anxiety is NORMAL. 

Gordon Neufeld created a "Cycle of Alarm" which shows the step a child needs to go through to navigate alarm in a healthy way. 

The job of parents is to help kids move through these steps. Moving to courage requires kids to hold 2 opposing feelings at the same time, ie. fear of something AND excitement about a reward if they get past the fear.  BUT Kids need adults to help them hold opposing emotions because it’s a capacity that doesn’t begin to develop in their brains until at least age 5 - 7 years old. 

So this is all normal and healthy anxiety, and we can help walk our kids through the steps. 

UNHEALTHY anxiety develops when kids have a separation alarm that they can’t name. It could be due to a move, a grandparent dying, a parent’s job change, divorce, etc. If a child is young and experiences but can’t name one of these separations, their brain starts to invent reasons for their sense of un-namable alarm - so it makes stuff up like:

-I’m afraid my mom is going to forget me at the store, 

- something is out of order I need to organize, 

- phobias around locking doors or washing hands, 

- meltdowns around plans, etc. 

The child is blind to the separation, but feels SOMETHING that they can’t name that causes alarm. 

So they can’t move to tears, adapt, and then confront and move to courage. All the energy just goes into CAUTION and creates an anxiety loop because they can’t address the source of their alarm. They just feel “uncomfortable.”

Why are kids experiencing more anxiety? 

According to Gordon Neufeld, there are three reasons.  

First, Kids are experiencing more separation. 

They’ve become more peer oriented which means they are more vulnerable. Those with deep attachments have more ways of holding on and are less vulnerable. Neufeld says, “we must win our children back” and has written a book called “HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS.” Click here to order from Amazon (none of my links are affiliate links).

Second, children are becoming more alpha. 

Children must look up to, rely, and depend on their parents to feel safe. When a child is alpha and tries to take over by being bossy and always having the last word, they appear strong, but what they are in fact, is HIGHLY ALARMED. 

WE are responsible for THEM. WE must make THEM feel safe. 

I was super influenced by the idea that kids always need choices. I thought it was brilliant - but I don’t like the results. Sometimes it was ok, other times, it created so much chaos. 

One of my kids is dealing with anxiety. Today I made supper and called everyone to the table. She said she wasn’t hungry. She said she wanted something else. She said she wanted to eat in her room. I had this course in mind and the “Alpha” thing in the back of my thoughts, so I’ve started saying “NO” calmly to her and sticking to my guns, even when it’s not a “die on this island” kind of issue, so I said “no.” She cried. Threatened. She said mean things. I didn’t get mad. I was just curious. Then the weirdest thing happened. She came around. She was cheerful and came to the table and ate and was super pleasant to be around. 

I realize that my respect for her capacity to communicate and do life has stopped me from mothering her in some ways. So I have to step back up and take that place in her life. I’m the alpha. I’m not dominating her, but I’m the one steering the ship. It’s on me. It’s very strange and doesn’t line up with all the other books I’ve read. But I’m watching it change her into a more securely attached and happy human. 

The final reason kids are experiencing more anxiety is because we’ve learned separation based discipline. 

This is ALSO so true for me. Time outs and threatening to take away special things that my kids are attached to, to get preferred behavior out of them, is something I do on a daily basis. Because you know what, it works. But what Gordon Neufeld says is that it pushes our kids face INTO SEPARATION and that creates an unhealthy kind of anxiety. 

And we don’t want that. 

(BTW I have a DVD right here called “Making sense of discipline” by Gordon Neufeld and I’m watching it next because I’m not sure what else to do. If you want to know what he says, you can google it, or ask me once I’m done.) 

Simple summary:

The issue of anxiety is an issue of alarm. 

The issue of alarm is an issue of facing separation. 

Facing separation is an issue of vulnerability that is sometimes too much to bear. 

For many alarming realities in life there is nothing to do but cry. What a child needs is tears and a safe place to have his tears. 

Funny how it comes back to taking time to know our feelings and growing into holding two different ones at the same time. 

Take your time and see if you can become a safe place for yourself and others to have their true feelings and cry when there is nothing to do but cry. BE THE MOM. BE THE DAD. And if you're like me and it looks like you might be disciplining wrong or doing something that is adding to your child's anxiety?? Don't be discouraged. Ask for help. Look around google. Check out Gordon Neufeld. 

And breathe. We are all in this, learning together. 

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