There is a little girl sleeping with a smile on her face (gas.. or tender affection for her mother?) on my lap. If I put one arm under her head and the other over her feet, and if I rest my laptop on my knees, I can manage to hold my lap top and even type a little. I am still rocking her side to side because she isn't REALLY asleep yet. She fakes me out all the time with these little cat naps that she takes. Parenthood is really something else. I was just thinking (as she is waking up and making grunting noises and wriggling around here) about my walks to the store with the boys. We have to cross this one major intersection. There is a cross walk (2 in fact) and we navigate them pretty good now. Not so a year ago. I would have dreams about the boys getting hit while we walked across. It was terrible. They didn't understand to stay between the 2 white lines.. and once Noah saw a pop can and abandoned his bike and ran to pick that old pop can up in the name of recycling.. Oh did I scream. Sometimes when we're walking I watch the vehicles approach and I wonder which way I should throw my body in front of it - to save the boys and somehow manage to survive as well.. It's amazing how things change. When a dog snarls at my kids I stand between it and my kids and I threaten in. Tearing it limb from limb would not be a problem - I have my children to think of. And now this little one (who is not asleep and leans on my shoulder half eating it, grunting and holding her head up sort of... ) .. those verses in the Bible about them having special deals with angels and how if anyone messes with them.. woooaaa to them.

Well, she in her precious polka dot shirt and pink fuzzy pants doth cry and my nearness is not enough. I must ATTEND to her. She needs me. We guard these little ones with our lives. Makes me think about days when I am frustrated and rude to my kids. There's this lady named Charlotte Mason who writes about treating children with dignity. I think about that a lot (it causes me to repent quite often to my boys) when I am angry that my 4 year old is disobedient or obnoxious or my 5 year old guy contradicts me or decides to do things his own way RIGHT AFTER I TOLD HIM MY EXPECTATIONS... anyway. I learn.. well sometimes I learn. Sometimes I stumble through like a big heavy wrecking ball when really I want to be that safe place for all of them to come to WHENEVER they need it. I want to be one of life's guarantees: Mom will always be gentle place to land no matter what I've done or what has happened to me. Growing.

Now to make french toast for the family. Baby sleeps again.

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