birthday party or an empty funeral..



I don't like birthdays because I feel like it is friendship report card day. Every year I get nervous. I don't think anyone will come. I have had some great birthdays over the years, and I think I have some great friendships. But it still doesn't add up.

 I don't remember when I first started being afraid of the birthday party. When I was 16, my parents threw me a surprise party and invited my school AND church friends. I didn't have the social skills or wherewithall to enjoy myself. But I can remember even further back, being 10 maybe, and inviting some kids - but very carefully because there were these 3 girls that always hung out and I often felt left out and fought with them. So I only invited 1 of the 3. Or 2. And I told them so: "You guys aren't nice to me when you're together so I'm not inviting you all." Duh. Don't know why I cared so much. They were never my friends.

I have always longed for deep, real and satisfying friendships. In grade 1, I remember weeping in the bathroom at home and asking my mom, "Will I EVER have a best friend???" Over the years I have had.. let's just call them.. fights because discussions doesn't cut it - so I've had fights (ok we could call them fervent discussions) with friends over expectations. One friend said she had no expectations of me and didn't think it was fair that I had some of her. So I stopped saying "hi" and completely ignored her. She was mad. But I think she got the point, well I know she did because we talked about it and she admitted she had expectations. I know.. not subtle or kind or gentle or caring or... More recently I had what I thought was a well build and time tested friendship disappear. Not the first time. Because I changed churches? Because I got married? Moved? Or is it me? Do I just stink at friendships? There are some really great people who love me. I don't doubt their friendship. But when it comes to the weekend and my husband and I say, "what should we do?" - no families come to mind that we think we should call, invite over or invite ourselves over, or that might just pop by uninvited but completely welcome. 

Time, marriage and kids HAVE changed everything, but I am still the same little person that longs for friendship. Unfortunately, instead of being better at relationships, I feel like I just don't understand them at all. I remember watching Oprah when I was in my teens or early 20's and she had these groups of ladies on her show - ladies who had been friends for 30, 40, 50 years. My heart freaked out - that's what want! People to do life with. But it hasn't worked out that way. I'm not pointing my fingers at other people. I'm looking inside me. I'm the one feeling the lack.

Lots of people worry about empty funerals. I worry about an empty life - like birthday parties with no one to invite.



Comments

morethansingle said…
I love your openness and insight, and believe there are more people who feel the same as you than the groups we hear about on shows like Oprah.
12:22 AM
Anonymous said…
I sure love you, my Sudes. Wish we were closer. You, my girl, are a gem. Honored to be called your friend.
8:01 AM
KindrelJuliet said…
I actually can relate to this a lot. Thanks for sharing :)
5:38 PM
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