It's embarrassing to me, but sometimes, I think I'm still looking for a savior. I think maybe it's because I don't like the way the one called Jesus relates to me and so I try to find someone else, at least for a little bit until He and I see eye to eye again (which means until I humble myself.. he never changes his point of view). He's so patient. It's not that I don't think God's good or that He can't help me.. I sometimes just don't feel like I want to talk to Him. It's usually when I feel super frustrated about myself, I've probably made some dumb choices, and I'm in a funky mood. I actually don't really know. But it happens from time to time. It's like I want to reach into the air and just grab something, anything and make it all better immediately. But when I grab the air, I get nothing. And nothing doesn't make anything better ever. Today I argued with people. I picked fights. I quibbled and defended. I stunk inside my head. I grumbled. I wrestled. But I've been thinking about what love is. If love is patient, then maybe it's frustrated too because the only thing I know about being patient, is that it's difficult. And if I'm making choices to be patient, it means I'm putting other people ahead of me which means quite likely that I'm not having fun. Fun has been so important to me. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. As long as it's fun. I wish. Man. I just don't know. Either I had a great day and grew but it hurt, or I was a punk and need to repent. Only You know my heart God.

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eja_crepusculario said…
"If love is patient, then maybe it's frustrated too," I think you are right here. I'm still trying wrap my head around the idea of opposites.

Love requires immense work (and cost).
Freedom requires perserverance.
Yes, they are promised, but the easiness of them is not assured. and although part of me abhors the idea of things being handed to me, the other still, I think, expects it.
8:21 AM
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