It's embarrassing to me, but sometimes, I think I'm still looking for a savior. I think maybe it's because I don't like the way the one called Jesus relates to me and so I try to find someone else, at least for a little bit until He and I see eye to eye again (which means until I humble myself.. he never changes his point of view). He's so patient. It's not that I don't think God's good or that He can't help me.. I sometimes just don't feel like I want to talk to Him. It's usually when I feel super frustrated about myself, I've probably made some dumb choices, and I'm in a funky mood. I actually don't really know. But it happens from time to time. It's like I want to reach into the air and just grab something, anything and make it all better immediately. But when I grab the air, I get nothing. And nothing doesn't make anything better ever. Today I argued with people. I picked fights. I quibbled and defended. I stunk inside my head. I grumbled. I wrestled. But I've been thinking about what love is. If love is patient, then maybe it's frustrated too because the only thing I know about being patient, is that it's difficult. And if I'm making choices to be patient, it means I'm putting other people ahead of me which means quite likely that I'm not having fun. Fun has been so important to me. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. As long as it's fun. I wish. Man. I just don't know. Either I had a great day and grew but it hurt, or I was a punk and need to repent. Only You know my heart God.

Comments

eja_crepusculario said…
"If love is patient, then maybe it's frustrated too," I think you are right here. I'm still trying wrap my head around the idea of opposites.

Love requires immense work (and cost).
Freedom requires perserverance.
Yes, they are promised, but the easiness of them is not assured. and although part of me abhors the idea of things being handed to me, the other still, I think, expects it.
8:21 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A baby grace

Image
We have a new baby. We totally thought she was going to be a boy. Totally. Why, you ask? Why does anyone think they know anything about a baby before he or she is born... a feeling. But she is totally a girl. Dark curly hair, fine facial features, long fingers... and she was almost a home birth. Woops. Early on in the pregnancy I thought, "hey, a home birth might not be so bad... I'll ask about it." So I did. I took the book home from the midwife and put it on my dresser. Three weeks later I brought it back (not having cracked it open) having decided for sure NO... I didn't do any research just decided I didn't want to do the laundry and I didn't want my kids to hear me yell or cry. Just my opinion. We moved to Abbotsford, I picked a new midwife clinic, went to a few appointments.. they changed my due date from September 6 to September 4th. I "knew" the baby would be late because my original due date as calculated by myself was September 11. ...
Read more

MAKING SENSE OF ANXIETY - A COURSE by GORDON NEUFELD - PART 1 IN A SERIES ON ANXIETY

Image
I've read the word "anxiety" a million times on facebook and instagram. I've heard plenty of friends tell me their kids struggle with anxiety. I've even (sorry) rolled my eyes at conversations where people used the phrase "my anxiety is so bad"... because I thought they were being weak. Again. Sorry.  I had NO CLUE what anxiety was or where it came from.  Then my daughter's behavior started changing and the word anxiety started coming up.  So I watched  Gordon Neufeld’s course: “Making Sense of Anxiety.” For the full course, check it out from the library or view his 60 minute talk here .  Here is what I've learned.  Anxiety isn’t bad. It’s basically our relationship to being alarmed.  We need attachment. Facing separation alarms us. BUT this is a normal part of human development. This is the way the brain was meant to develop. So good news.  Alarm is HEALTHY. Anxiety is NORMAL.  Gordon Neufeld...
Read more

I didn't want to be on facebook

Image
I didn't want to be on facebook. And when I did, I made all my settings super private. And then I said "NO" to lots of people who wanted to "friend" me. And then when I did add people, I ERASED THEM. Not all, just some. I wanted facebook to be just for me and my family.  Know why? One reason is, I want to know you in real life. I don't want your facebook life. And you don't want mine either. I tend to post super cute things that my kids say. Oh and they are brilliant. You do need to hear those things. ( I actually post those things so that when I make our yearly photo album I'll have cute things close at hand to make the book all the more memorable to us). But I would never post the fact that I just got told I was a dumb mom and that my son hates this family and never wants to be here again, my precious son who has autism and we are just learning how to work with him and we fail multiple times daily. And when we have no money, I'm not go...
Read more