I am a fiance. That is to say, I have a fiance. That is to say, I've been fianced. That is to say, it is all too ... fantastical to believe, and yet there is nothing to believe.. only reality to see. Time to accept a new reality. Who hopes for what she already has? Something ridiculous has happened in my heart because in a moment I realized that this could possibly be a case of me being handed my dreams. I don't know where my heart is, but I felt it turn, and I worried for a split second. . . Cause dreams don't come true, you know? No one gets what they want, do they? In my long 31 years of existence on this planet, I have tried hard not to hold on to my list of grudges against God. They sort of come in buckets of disappointments and times He did and didn't do things that I couldn't understand. Sometimes being a Christian is funny because we think that we shouldn't want anything, but hot-dang do we ever want some stuff. So many times I'd look around and say (yell, whine, whatever...) "God why them and not MEEEEEEE??? What did I do wrong? Are you deaf in one ear, does that eye not see? Are you mad at me? Did I do that one deadly sin or am I constantly doing that deadly sin and you and I are on the outs, but i don't know it?? WHAT WHAT WHAT??" Sometimes I wondered if it was torture to try to make me more godly, but I just wasn't responding well to the treatment. And then ... this. When things were tough, I wrote. When things were going well, I wrote. I sang. But now? I am dumbfounded. What can I write except for this:
More than what I hoped for and believed, has happened. And there's more. Things I was told not to expect, well... surprise, surprise. It's there too. I'm not going to say it didn't cost me dearly. There's this line in this song I wrote that sometimes scared me to sing but I had to because it was true- it just says "compromise has never been so appealing." It's a fact. I wrote it because another option presented itself. The best thing I'd ever seen was right there in front of me and I wanted it. Thing is, I realized that although it might have been the best YET, the best was still to come. AHHHH to have to let go of something in order to have an open hand for what might never come. There have been days when I have shouted in what might seem an over dramatic fashion and I should be embarrassed, but you don't understand. I was born wanting a family of my own. So I shouted at heaven, "WHY DID YOU MAKE ME TO WANT THIS IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO USE IT TO PUT CHARACTER IN ME FOR SOME OTHER TASK IN LIFE I DON'T EVEN WANT TO DO??" I wrote another song, just two lines long that just goes "I open up my heart and let my hope fly away, fly away." And I would cry. But there was another two line song that came out of me shortly after that. Hah! all these songs.. this one went, "I can't see anything.. must mean you're doing something amazing." I would sing it at the top of my lungs while my stereo was blaring, shaking the floor and walls... and I would worship and find peace. And now look what is unfolding. Something amazing.
More than what I hoped for and believed, has happened. And there's more. Things I was told not to expect, well... surprise, surprise. It's there too. I'm not going to say it didn't cost me dearly. There's this line in this song I wrote that sometimes scared me to sing but I had to because it was true- it just says "compromise has never been so appealing." It's a fact. I wrote it because another option presented itself. The best thing I'd ever seen was right there in front of me and I wanted it. Thing is, I realized that although it might have been the best YET, the best was still to come. AHHHH to have to let go of something in order to have an open hand for what might never come. There have been days when I have shouted in what might seem an over dramatic fashion and I should be embarrassed, but you don't understand. I was born wanting a family of my own. So I shouted at heaven, "WHY DID YOU MAKE ME TO WANT THIS IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO USE IT TO PUT CHARACTER IN ME FOR SOME OTHER TASK IN LIFE I DON'T EVEN WANT TO DO??" I wrote another song, just two lines long that just goes "I open up my heart and let my hope fly away, fly away." And I would cry. But there was another two line song that came out of me shortly after that. Hah! all these songs.. this one went, "I can't see anything.. must mean you're doing something amazing." I would sing it at the top of my lungs while my stereo was blaring, shaking the floor and walls... and I would worship and find peace. And now look what is unfolding. Something amazing.
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