I didn't want to be on facebook

I am exhausted inside and out. Frustrated. To say I am "imperfect" is sort of a slam on the word "perfect." I shouldn't use it even though I'm saying "IM" in front of perfect. I want to be at least close to perfect. Thing is, there's a part of me that KNOWS who and what I am and what I'm capable of. That part is shouting swear words. It wants me to know that I am . . . blankety blank blank pile of blankety blank. So strange to be in one moment exhausted, aware of God's mercy, love and my dependence on Him.. but then also to have this inexhaustible striving inside, this insistence that I must under no circumstances surrender. I must not humble myself. I must not be ok with me... my best, my worst.. my self. But I am ok with me. I am also so mad at me. I am so tired. There is so much inside my head, inside my heart, inside inside inside. Come out little inside things. You are rattling every time I think, every time I move, every time I want to change - you remind me that I am human and limited by the things that I let live inside me. So, get out, get away. You can no longer stay. I know I will seem strange, but only strange mostly to myself because I have always been this way - proud, silent, afraid. But there isn't room for love AND you here, so, good-bye, good-night.. go away ... today, tomorrow, and every day after. Ha. I wish it could be that way. Decide today, be changed forever. But tomorrow will come and my tongue will be glued to the roof of my mouth and I will have to choose the same things I chose today.. I will have to tear my tongue off the roof of my mouth and make it say things that will make me free. One person can't be their own community. If they are, it's called insanity. All that, and I must get back to my unpacking. Life can be good, if I want it to be. It can stay the same .. almost forever, if I refuse to choose.