I am exhausted inside and out. Frustrated. To say I am "imperfect" is sort of a slam on the word "perfect." I shouldn't use it even though I'm saying "IM" in front of perfect. I want to be at least close to perfect. Thing is, there's a part of me that KNOWS who and what I am and what I'm capable of. That part is shouting swear words. It wants me to know that I am . . . blankety blank blank pile of blankety blank. So strange to be in one moment exhausted, aware of God's mercy, love and my dependence on Him.. but then also to have this inexhaustible striving inside, this insistence that I must under no circumstances surrender. I must not humble myself. I must not be ok with me... my best, my worst.. my self. But I am ok with me. I am also so mad at me. I am so tired. There is so much inside my head, inside my heart, inside inside inside. Come out little inside things. You are rattling every time I think, every time I move, every time I want to change - you remind me that I am human and limited by the things that I let live inside me. So, get out, get away. You can no longer stay. I know I will seem strange, but only strange mostly to myself because I have always been this way - proud, silent, afraid. But there isn't room for love AND you here, so, good-bye, good-night.. go away ... today, tomorrow, and every day after. Ha. I wish it could be that way. Decide today, be changed forever. But tomorrow will come and my tongue will be glued to the roof of my mouth and I will have to choose the same things I chose today.. I will have to tear my tongue off the roof of my mouth and make it say things that will make me free. One person can't be their own community. If they are, it's called insanity. All that, and I must get back to my unpacking. Life can be good, if I want it to be. It can stay the same .. almost forever, if I refuse to choose.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

MAKING SENSE OF ANXIETY - A COURSE by GORDON NEUFELD - PART 1 IN A SERIES ON ANXIETY

Image
I've read the word "anxiety" a million times on facebook and instagram. I've heard plenty of friends tell me their kids struggle with anxiety. I've even (sorry) rolled my eyes at conversations where people used the phrase "my anxiety is so bad"... because I thought they were being weak. Again. Sorry.  I had NO CLUE what anxiety was or where it came from.  Then my daughter's behavior started changing and the word anxiety started coming up.  So I watched  Gordon Neufeld’s course: “Making Sense of Anxiety.” For the full course, check it out from the library or view his 60 minute talk here .  Here is what I've learned.  Anxiety isn’t bad. It’s basically our relationship to being alarmed.  We need attachment. Facing separation alarms us. BUT this is a normal part of human development. This is the way the brain was meant to develop. So good news.  Alarm is HEALTHY. Anxiety is NORMAL.  Gordon Neufeld...
Read more

AN INTERVIEW WITH AUSTIN - PART 2 IN A SERIES ON ANXIETY

Image
When I was growing up, I had a little buddy named Austin. He was super intense. It seems like his whole body would vibrate with intensity and he would pace back and forth when he talked. He talked non-stop about movies and agonized over whether he would take a role in a movie if the director required him to swear.  I thought he was so unique and honestly, awesome and hilarious. His mom would tell me stories about how he’d have meltdowns every day before school saying he “hated his stupid pants, and hated his stupid shoes” etc, and how he was terrified of kids with special needs.  None of us knew anything about anxiety. When Austin was turning 9, I made him a birthday card that turned into a book - it was about a boy who lost his “nine”  on his birthday - only to realize, it was a dream and nothing to really fear. Looking back and considering what I’m learning about anxiety, I find my story for Austin uncanny.  Unhealthy anxiety in kids is always based on a s...
Read more
The other day, I heard a grandfather speak of his grandson’s death with more honesty than ever I have heard. And it shocked me. He said, “My grandson, you know, he was not a good boy, he was a rebellious boy. He had a good heart, but he was rebellious.” It was a little bit hard to hear. I’m so used to hearing that we only lose the ones that the world is not worthy of. Amazing. I remember hearing a story about this family who’s son got into gangs and drugs. Mafia I guess. Eventually the son got killed. The police were familiar with him. He’d caused a lot of trouble to the community at large. But when he died, the family paid (or arranged for.. however it’s done) for a 2 page full write up of their son, stating how he was such a good boy and had lived such a good life. The next day a public outcry arose and letters flooded the newspaper, denouncing the man. Again, a full two page write up. But this time not so positive. Either his family was full of lies or they were unable to accept rea...
Read more