I just freaked out on the poor guy at the store. I was on the phone and somewhere in the back of my ability to hear are glimpses of someone perhaps addressing me: "Ma'am you can't have that back pack in here." When I realize they are panicking as they address me (as if I'm some kid clepto) I put my phone down and say, "You're kidding me. I have my laptop in here." They weren't kidding. I was rude. The man was emphatic. "Put it in customer service." I repeat myself as if he is deaf rather than enforcing a company policy, "My LAP TOP is in here. I am not leaving this with you." I was so mad. I was so rude. I walked out while he insisted it was ok, just leave it in customer service. My friend was laughing at me on the phone. She'd never heard me act like that. She can probably re-tell it more accurately than can I because I was completely emotionally involved. I was so rude.

I hate these moments in my life. They are so embarrassing. I need these moments in my life. They are so humbling. I need them because they reveal something of what is inside me. There are other things, nicer things, prettier things. Don't worry. I love myself (I think I do.. God only knows) and I am loved ridiculously by God. Sometimes it's just good to be humbled. I totally went through and found some great come-backs, some justifications that I could use when telling the story to my friends. But I'm not going to use them . . . I was rude. I need redemption. Beautiful and scandalous - to rip off a wonderful phrase from a song.

I
am not
as great
in my own eyes
as I would like to be
some
times
I spurt
out words
which come out
of
integral parts
of hidden
places of in me
I
am
some
times
green
with envy
black
with anger
red
with fury
white
with self justified pride

... but I
am not mine.
my mind
is Christ's
my body
his home
my soul
possessed by his
blood bought
mess that made
everything clear
for me
to be
this close to him
and still
be
human
i just
want more

presence

his

in my

funny
rude
mistaken
beautiful
confused
growing
and changing
life

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