Some nights sleep just doesn't come. It's been a long time, but this is one of those nights. Of course, the culprit is the brain. I have things ...people, ideas, questions, possibilities. . . on the brain. So up I get to try to exorcise some of these things out.
I've been wondering (not about this particularly tonight, but the things I'm thinking about tonight are much too fresh to publicly reflect on so you will not be privy to those things.. heh heh) "where" we are supposed to live. I say "where" because it's the ideological "where" not the locality "where." Some people go to tons of Christian meetings. Church, prayer, outreach, special worship time, Bible study, small group, mom's group, worship practice, conference, special speaker, etc, etc, etc. I'm sort of a meeting-a-phobe. Let's say someone is a worship leader type. They could go from cool meeting to cool meeting leading worship, declaring powerful words, and worshiping and loving it.. let's admit, it feels good and if there's a powerful speaker .. it can be special. Take it a step further, if God does something unique or how we say "show's up" it can even be life changing. But then, who raises our children, and who does the dishes and the laundry and ... I don't see meetings as "life." Too often I see them as interruptions to my life. I want to talk to people. I want to walk outside. I want to take my time instead of rush. I want to have face to face encounters with God, but can't I have them while I'm doing the dishes or making dinner?
I was listening to this girl's cd this week. She sings about things that inspire me because, in my opinion, she's way ahead of me. I write songs full of longing, she writes songs full of revelation and truth. How did she get there? A bunch of meetings? A string of encounters? Where? How? And now, because she's a worship leader, is she doomed to a life of meetings and conferences, traveling from one platform to the next because people see the gift of God on her life and so place a demand on her? Of course she gets to choose what she does with that demand, but I just wonder. I love to remember this story about a monk who had what I think was someone like an evangelical Pastor over for dinner. The Pastor offered to do dishes after but the monk refused and said, "You will do the dishes to get them done, but I will do them to do them." Terrible quoting by me, but I want to believe that all of life is sacred because we are holy and all things in life are worth doing (and I'm not just saying that because we don't have a dish washer and I'm trying to make myself feel like a better person because of it :).
I don't have time to myself like I used to. I can't just sit alone and ponder God uninterrupted. I have these blessed (indeed, God also calls them this) children whom God knit together and brought miraculously to me. They are quite dependent. This is God's design. So, will God rip open the roof and throw Himself inside our home because I'm doing the dishes and I want him to come, or do I have to be more intense, more serious, more... focused before he'll say, "ok... I see you.. I will show you my great self up close." Honestly, I wouldn't mind breaking a few glasses or plates every time he came because it was so amazing and life changing.
I just don't want to be nice and good. I want a radical adventure in the greatness of God (or perhaps I only think I do. God alone knows). I don't want to feel righteous because I showed up at a meeting and said a few things and got to pray for a few focused minutes while my kids were occupied with their cars and playmobile fighter guys. I believe there is richness to be had for ALL who come to God asking for His presence. Perhaps it's not recognizable until later. Perhaps I don't know what I have (like lots of rich kids) because I have lived in this atmosphere most of my life. Perhaps I cannot reconcile difficulties in life with the simultaneous presence of Living God.
Oh to know Him as He truly is, and not who I have made Him out to be.
I've been wondering (not about this particularly tonight, but the things I'm thinking about tonight are much too fresh to publicly reflect on so you will not be privy to those things.. heh heh) "where" we are supposed to live. I say "where" because it's the ideological "where" not the locality "where." Some people go to tons of Christian meetings. Church, prayer, outreach, special worship time, Bible study, small group, mom's group, worship practice, conference, special speaker, etc, etc, etc. I'm sort of a meeting-a-phobe. Let's say someone is a worship leader type. They could go from cool meeting to cool meeting leading worship, declaring powerful words, and worshiping and loving it.. let's admit, it feels good and if there's a powerful speaker .. it can be special. Take it a step further, if God does something unique or how we say "show's up" it can even be life changing. But then, who raises our children, and who does the dishes and the laundry and ... I don't see meetings as "life." Too often I see them as interruptions to my life. I want to talk to people. I want to walk outside. I want to take my time instead of rush. I want to have face to face encounters with God, but can't I have them while I'm doing the dishes or making dinner?
I was listening to this girl's cd this week. She sings about things that inspire me because, in my opinion, she's way ahead of me. I write songs full of longing, she writes songs full of revelation and truth. How did she get there? A bunch of meetings? A string of encounters? Where? How? And now, because she's a worship leader, is she doomed to a life of meetings and conferences, traveling from one platform to the next because people see the gift of God on her life and so place a demand on her? Of course she gets to choose what she does with that demand, but I just wonder. I love to remember this story about a monk who had what I think was someone like an evangelical Pastor over for dinner. The Pastor offered to do dishes after but the monk refused and said, "You will do the dishes to get them done, but I will do them to do them." Terrible quoting by me, but I want to believe that all of life is sacred because we are holy and all things in life are worth doing (and I'm not just saying that because we don't have a dish washer and I'm trying to make myself feel like a better person because of it :).
I don't have time to myself like I used to. I can't just sit alone and ponder God uninterrupted. I have these blessed (indeed, God also calls them this) children whom God knit together and brought miraculously to me. They are quite dependent. This is God's design. So, will God rip open the roof and throw Himself inside our home because I'm doing the dishes and I want him to come, or do I have to be more intense, more serious, more... focused before he'll say, "ok... I see you.. I will show you my great self up close." Honestly, I wouldn't mind breaking a few glasses or plates every time he came because it was so amazing and life changing.
I just don't want to be nice and good. I want a radical adventure in the greatness of God (or perhaps I only think I do. God alone knows). I don't want to feel righteous because I showed up at a meeting and said a few things and got to pray for a few focused minutes while my kids were occupied with their cars and playmobile fighter guys. I believe there is richness to be had for ALL who come to God asking for His presence. Perhaps it's not recognizable until later. Perhaps I don't know what I have (like lots of rich kids) because I have lived in this atmosphere most of my life. Perhaps I cannot reconcile difficulties in life with the simultaneous presence of Living God.
Oh to know Him as He truly is, and not who I have made Him out to be.
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