At first I couldn't believe I was pregnant. Sure the test said "yes", but those things aren't fail proof you know. Then I experienced "morning sickness" and my body started to grow and eventually I began feeling little kicks and movements inside.. It became obvious... but really..I could be be pregnant, but could I really be having a baby? Nah... ever since I was a little baby, I wanted to be a mom. When I could barely walk and talk I would stumble over to my big brother, hold on to him and say "baby!!" and because he was so gentle, he'd refuse to push me away, but would just look at my mom helplessly and we'd both tumble over. I just wanted to be a mom. When I turned 12, I had a "Celebrate your babysitting eligibility" Birthday party. I invited 4 friends and 5 babies and we played games while holding babies, fed babies, changed babies.. etc... Then I babysat every chance I got, held babies at church... I couldn't get enough. And then life and life and life and ... finally married, kids, husband.. and now, pregnant.. I was afraid to call the midwife because I thought maybe I was faking labor pains.. "wishful thinking" but they hurt so I called. Then I was afraid to say the contractions were 3 minutes apart.. "wishful thinking" again. Then it was time to push and I thought, "there is no way all this breathing and pain and pushing will result in a human person calling me mom" but the midwife insisted that I push and I obliged. This little (not so little 9 pounder) baby girl came out crying, yelling, breathing. Came out of me. She did - my girl, my baby.
I don't really know what to say. Even though it happened and there is a cute little (again, not so little) sleeping wonder in the small bed beside me, I can't make sense of the fact that she is mine. I am doing what I have only, all my life, seen others do. She looks at MY eyes, cries when others take her from me. I feed her. I nurse her. I make decisions about her (ok, we.. her dad and I.. but you know what I mean). I am the mom and when the nurse wants to take her to the nursery, she has to explain why, and can I come and what is she going to do.
It is wonderful, unbelievable, impossible and real. How humans come, bound up in the relationship of family is brilliant. On the other hand, giving birth was also the most difficult pain accumulated single day I've ever had. What a strange strange strange experience birth is. Very strange. But again, brilliant. So here we are. A stranger, my daughter, stares into my eyes, passes gas and smiles at me. Everything is turning out perfectly.
I don't really know what to say. Even though it happened and there is a cute little (again, not so little) sleeping wonder in the small bed beside me, I can't make sense of the fact that she is mine. I am doing what I have only, all my life, seen others do. She looks at MY eyes, cries when others take her from me. I feed her. I nurse her. I make decisions about her (ok, we.. her dad and I.. but you know what I mean). I am the mom and when the nurse wants to take her to the nursery, she has to explain why, and can I come and what is she going to do.
It is wonderful, unbelievable, impossible and real. How humans come, bound up in the relationship of family is brilliant. On the other hand, giving birth was also the most difficult pain accumulated single day I've ever had. What a strange strange strange experience birth is. Very strange. But again, brilliant. So here we are. A stranger, my daughter, stares into my eyes, passes gas and smiles at me. Everything is turning out perfectly.
Comments
Your blog brought tears to my eyes and memories of young motherhood back to me. Congratulations sweet mama. You are truly a blessed lady.
i have nothing else,
just SWEET!