Pleasure, pain.. problems and pressure of being a mom.

I was walking across the street... the crosswalk. The little white man was lit up indicating it was my turn to go. No blinking red hand, no solid red hand. All signs were a "go." A car decided to turn left right in front of us. Did I mention I was not alone? NO. 4 children with me. Two in the chariot, 1 walking and 1 riding his bike. So this car turns right across our path. Ok fine. She wasn't looking but we were barely getting started across. No harm, no foul. Then the white van behind the car follows suit. Or tries. Only problem is, now we are mid cross walk. I am not a road rager. I am not a yeller at strangers. I respect people's space. It's probably pride, but I try to keep things under control and not lose control. But these are my babies and that van driver is an idiot and we are about to get hit, so I yell, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!!!" I raise my hands and wave and try to put my body between my kids and the van coming towards us. Lady looks up. Total surprise on her face. She stops. We cross. She finishes her left turn and drives away. I wanted to jump on the hood of her van and then climb on the roof and jump until the ceiling dented in. I wanted to throw rocks. I wanted to yell some more, but I didn't. I walked home muttering a little, explaining to the kids why I yelled, why it's important to listen to mom on the crosswalks, and wiped away a few tears.

I am a mom. These are my babies and no one will hurt them without going through me. You know what made me frustrated me though? After I felt bad for yelling at the lady. She would have hit us if I didn't, and yet, there is some rule inside my mind that limits my expression. I thought, "ah she's just a lady like me. I've been distracted before. It happens." Yes sure... but who cares. It bugs me that I care that I yelled. It bugs me that I can't just stand in front of my kids and intervene without feeling bad, and let the white van lady deal with the fact she got yelled at. It's a funny thing... Not quite sure what it means, but me and my brother and sister all have a spouse who is quite outspoken. .. like they might speak before they think. They might even process externally. I remember my sister in law when she was first married to my brother. She would say what she thought, and I would cringe. I was shocked. Overwhelmed. IT WAS CONTROVERSIAL!! She said what we all thought but none of us had the guts to say. Wow. You know when you're in a room and someone does or says something and everyone's thinking the same thing, but they all put their heads down? That's me. Not my husband. Not my sister in law. Not my brother in law. They say stuff. Like it or hate it. They do. I wish I was more like that, but then everyone would look at me and I'd be accountable for what I said. I find it so refreshing at times, and other times painful and awkward to be around people like that. I think my brother and maybe my sister are becoming more like that. I hope I do too. I think about injustices, big or small (someone budges in line or a man mistreats a lady on the skytrain)and I want to be big enough to say what I think.. I don't think that's a very Canadian thing to do, or a very Mennonite thing to do, or a very ladylike thing to do, but it is a very human thing, a very child like thing to do. I don't want to let everything loose all the time, like a tipped over garbage truck spinning in it's trash, just... real, and brave enough to say to the principal, "No I don't want my son on Ritalin." Like, to say it, instead of just withdraw and take him out of school and quietly do things my way. I want to say something creatively loving when a mom or dad is chewing out their child in public - something wise that defuses, or warns the parent that if they want to treat their child like that in public they'll have to face me... and then I want to be brave enough to stand there and not cry or be embarrassed if they yell at me. I don't want to be intimidated by doctors or opinions, or scared to ask my questions.

Just something I was thinking about after the lady in the white van almost crippled my family.