I hate the first few months of working out...

... after surgery.. after pregnancy... after 6 years of suddenly becoming a family (Glad my kids can't read blogs yet because we're not allowed to use the word "hate." It's too strong. We use phrases like, "I don't prefer," or "It's not my favourite" or  "I really don't like it.") I used to be this girl who worked out. Now, I'm clearly someone's mom trying to make the scene. I'm so thankful for those "women only" sections of gyms. There's all those mirrors and there's all these memories of what those mirrors used to reflect. But the mirror don't lie, and there I am... staring at my ankles, after I've stared at everything else, and I'm thinking, "Man! Even my ankles are out of shape." It's true. Everything is out of shape. And even though I worked out hard (making sure I had fun, mixed it up and challenged myself) nothing looks better. I'm sweaty. But nothing looks better.


 That's the thing about change. The first section of time is just hard and you have nothing to show for it. Sure I can cut my hair (did) get new earrings to elongate my neck (did) and wear beautiful flowing skirts (did) to hide my not so cut thighs, and I get all these compliments: "Wow you have lost weight. Haven't you? You have haven't you! I can totally tell. Did you?" I try to say no, that I just cut my hair and wore skirt, but to no avail. Those kinds of changes - are more of an illusion. Put me in a different outfit and you will see, no, I didn't not lose any weight at all. If I had lost it, we found it now.

These first few months of working out sometimes make me feel energized, strong inside, embarrassed, discouraged, frustrated and hopeful...

There's a saying in sports, "the ball never lies." In basketball all it means is if the ref blows the whistle because someone pretended they were fouled and the ref believed them, when they shoot their free-throw, the ball is NOT going to go in. The player might lie, but the ball never lies. (Just a saying and it obviously doesn't always prove true.. just helps with my sense of justice while playing or watching).


Sometimes when I am tired or discouraged and I want to quit or cheat on a goal - simple example.. working out and eating right, I realize, there is no such thing as cheating. I can imagine myself as fit, I can wear the right clothes, cut my hair... whatever, and some people might buy in, but the scale never lies. A couple of years ago I was playing in a basketball alumni game. I was alumni. My teamate was three quarters of the way down the court. I tried to pick the ball up off the dribble and one-hand-chuck it down the court to hit her for a layup. The ball didn't even come close to her. We all just about fell over laughing. We all knew what I used to do, but clearly, a gap had grown between my last basketball game and my current... situation. The ball never lies.

There really is no such thing as cheating. We can trick people, but that's hard work, and we never actually cross whatever finish line we had set up for ourselves. We can fool ourselves, but then we, and no one but ourselves, suffer. I try to remind myself of that late nights when I am tired and overwhelmed from life and motherhood and I head down to the TV to numb my brain, when I suddenly decide eating a second supper is what I need because I've worked so hard I've already burned it off. I wonder why some people are further along in their character. Deeper in the faith. More settled in themselves.

The bottom line is, they have done the work. If I want results in anything, I have got to put in the work.

So, to the gym I go to get strong. To bed I go, to wake up refreshed. Away from the carb cupboard and over to my guitar get, to inspire my spirit with a song.  Off I go, emailing friends that I respect, texting people far and near, checking in, looking for a voice of sanity in the middle of it all - someone else doing the work in their own lives regardless of anyone watching, cheering or caring... and dare I say someone who is not making excuses for wherever they have landed in their life. I need people around me who tell themselves the truth, and are willing to tell me the truth... pleasant or otherwise.

Which reminds me.. (I was done but now I'm not).. Advertising. Holy Cow. (can't say that in front of my kids either.. more like "hokey dinah" or "goodness gracious great balls of fire.") I think if we could go a year not being exposed to any advertising, we'd think very differently about life. Nothing in advertising puts me and my best interests in the forefront of it's agenda. It's all to sell. Fine. But that means that pretty much all advertising is lies. I was listening on the radio about regulations the government has to put in because people are being misled by a certain kind of advertising. Like the juice companies that say "real fruit juice" as long as the juice is the same colour as the fruit it came from (kidding.. but you know what I mean).

Advertisers lie. They want us to act like we are all millionaire gods and goddesses so that we have the mentality that everything needs to come to us on a silver platter and if grapes aren't popping into our mouths, well then hey... something isn't right in the world.

Fact is, life is hard. WAY harder than I expected. The difficulty in parenting is SHOCKING  to me. Even in something as simple as saying "no" to a 2 year old about having more candy.  IT IS SO HARD TO DO WHEN THEY ARE SO CUTE! But it's no good for anyone. Don't believe the advertising. Life is stinking hard, but when you accept that and put in the work, there are rewards (like kids that don't have rotting teeth and huge emotional happy binges and inconsolably sad crashes afterwards).

 My armpits stink. My shorts look stupid on me. They are from when I used to be in shape. I can't even tie the waist properly it's so stretched out from pregnancy. But today I put in the work. If I put enough of these days together, there will be a difference. Working out. Praying. Believing. Worshiping. Parenting. Relationships. Learning a skill. You put in the work, for a long enough time (without deceiving yourself) good things happen.

I still really very strongly don't prefer the first few months of working out.

Comments

matt said…
Playing basketball regularly for the first time since high school and being 50 lbs heavier was no good for my knee. After a month I could barely walk. For the next few years the knee pain would flair up any time I tried to work out or play a sport regularly. I kept at it though, backing off just enough to allow the pain to go away and doing stuff to get stronger. Now, nearly ten years later it's almost like new and stronger than ever. Of course, being consistent has been the key but the more important question is why I was consistent. Ultimately I don't really know. I do think about looking after my body like putting on my own oxygen mask before helping anyone else with their mask. If I care about them, then I want to be there for them with the best version of myself possible. Plus, people are more inspired by change that they can see than hearing theories about change. The kids often join me because it looks like fun, or sometimes they realize they can do something better than I can. I've also maintained a rough plan (constantly modified) for how I would eventually be able to do things with my body that I had never done before. Working out is not like brushing my teeth, something that I just have to do every day to avoid bad things. Each workout is another step in my project. The steps at the beginning or middle are no less important than the steps near the end. And then there's the other thing, working hard is addictive, regardless of results. Once a week I spend an hour working out with people at a variety of different fitness levels. It's clear that the good feeling during and after doesn't discriminate by level. You're allowed to be ecstatic about achieving even the smallest goals, and it's probably advisable. Achieving little goals will change your life.
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