Comparing and Christmas Party Dresses... 'tis the season... again

I'm going to a Christmas party… and I have nothing to wear.

Oh, wait, I do. But it's not new, and.. well. .. I have just been thinking about what the other women will be wearing. Ok fine, I've been thinking about how much hotter their bodies will be than mine. How much better their dresses will look on them. I spent a lot of time today hating on myself for that. Loathing. Regretting. Frustrated. Eating chocolate, and loathing more. This has happened before. Last Christmas. And the year before that. And the wedding before that. .. 

But today, something happened that has never happened before.

I've been reading some really cool books this last year. The ones that stand out in my mind are by Brene Brown, where she writes about shame. Vulnerability. The gremlins in our minds that speak to us to discourage and silence us. Body shame is often about comparison. So I was comparing. In advance. But all this reading I've been doing, all this thinking I've been doing, all these new thoughts I've been taking in… have been doing something to me. 

In the middle of my self-hating, a thought inserted itself and silenced the rest; "I'm actually not ashamed of my body, and even though I wish it was better, I could be beautiful tomorrow if I thought I was beautiful."

It was such a powerful moment. It's like all the other chatter in my mind bowed down to a greater strain of thought. Something more true walked in and for some reason, I was open to it. And then I had a choice. Keep loathing and loath-eating, or buy in. 

I whole heartedly bought in.

So tomorrow I'm going to this amazing Christmas party, and  I'm going to be beautiful… in a dress I've worn many times, with probably 20 pounds I'd like to say goodbye to hanging all over me. I'm going to smile and I'm going to love those other beautiful, thinner, more made up girls with new dresses, those girls with more time or just different priorities. And I'm not going to judge them (ie. "they might be prettier but I bet I'm smarter.."). I'm just going to be there and be a great date for my husband.  Even more, I'm just going to be myself. I'm going to have fun being me. Not more, not less. Just me, with that dress we bought in Edmonton that I like, that's not particularly a Christmas party dress but I like it and it looks good on me. 

I've also been thinking about new ways to be real on Facebook. So far all I do is post really cute things my kids say, because, let's face it - they are so intelligent and hilarious. I actually use FB as a place to record those things so that when I make photo albums, I'll have the quotes all stored in one place and easy to access. But you can't look at Facebook and know my life because I just don't put it out there.. I don't put my life out there either way - positive OR negative. I never know how to handle it when people use FB to convince anyone of anything, to fight, or to cry out for help. I do know that FB convinces a lot of people that their lives suck in comparison to everyone else out there. 

Your life doesn't suck and you are not a loser. Life is hard. It's shocking, I know. I'm maybe sort of finally accepting that. It doesn't matter what is going on in your life. You are not alone. Reach out to friends and let them know. Community isn't sharing pictures and opinions on FB - it's sharing life. Time. Face to face conversations. Being vulnerable with your good, and your bad. 

Which reminds me.. a friend wants to bring some friends over to clean my house. I don't have house cleaning issues.  I'm not the best at it, but I work at it every day. Thing is, our family is struggling right now.  I have a son with autism who is not functioning well within our family and we are all stressed out trying to figure out how to do life. I don't often get to tasks that I think are less essential (ie.. house deep cleaning) because we are just trying to keep our home relatively peaceful and safe for everyone. My friend wanted to help. At first she said she was going to hire a cleaner and send them over for a couple of hours. That was fine with me. A stranger can come help clean my house and leave. I will never have to face her on the street or in church or at with a group of friends at the coffee shop and admit I needed help. She can come and disappear with the money.   Anyway, now that my friend wants to come into my home with other people I see at church but who don't really know me…  well, I told her it was a bad idea because it was too vulnerable. 
How will we ever stop shame from owning us if we never let people see who we really are? 

Vulnerability kills shame (Brene Brown). 

Yeah, I cleaned my house a bit more today than I usually do. I don't know when these people are coming, and it's going to hurt my pride, but I bet it will help them know me in a way that nothing else could have allowed. Maybe it will give them permission to be weak, or ask for help, or let someone in. 

I like how vulnerability looks on me. I like how it lets me live free from shame and opinion and connects me with others in such an authentic way. 


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