MAKING SENSE OF ANXIETY - A COURSE by GORDON NEUFELD - PART 1 IN A SERIES ON ANXIETY

I am thirty now. And it is different. I know people say it’s just a number and they didn’t feel any different after their birthday, but I do. I’m thirty. It’s really my life that I’m living. Growing up is surreal, because it’s spent admiring all these other people, thinking that they know what they’re doing, and imagining that when we get there, we’ll be able to be that great too. But then we grew up and our allusions of life proved to be, well, allusions. I think the main allusion that has taken the longest to be eroded is the one that says there is some sort of pre-destined path that I can walk in, as if in a dream (yes I used the word pre-destined but I’m not really talking doctrine. I’m using it in a different sense) and regardless of what I do, my path will be secure – the belief that the world owes me things, there are promises I can rely on, guarantees that will happen to me. But they didn’t. I got injured. I didn’t get married. I’m not a teacher. They didn’t let me into the states. Instead I write music and sing really loud, run every other day (almost), work for a non-profit in my basement, and draw pictures and stick packs of gum in envelopes and mail them to my nieces and nephews who live far away. People love to say things like, “Well, it didn’t happen so it must not have been God’s will.” Come on now. I don’t think you really mean it. Look around the world and see if you can witness some things that are definitely not God’s will. The fact that He can use them for good doesn’t mean that they were his will to begin with. That he can redeem something meant for evil just makes Him extremely amazing. Anyway, there’s this ridiculously empowering and frightening reality that we CAN actually make choices in this universe and in fact we must and in fact these choices can make all the difference in how our lives turn out. Empowering because it really is MY choice, frightening because oh my goodness it really is my choice and what if I make some really dumb decisions? What if I already them? Well what if. So there are choices and those uncontrollable unpredictable events that shape us too. My life won’t be good just because I want it to or believe it will. I actually have to do something. And I can.

What am I saying? That life matters and choices matter and what’s between our ears matters and how we see matters and how we respond matters and what we do, it all matters. It’s all significant. Life must be lived not just imagined. And when it’s not what we thought it would be, what will we do? Opportunities are infinite, but what will we do?

Even if there aren’t guarantees (forget death and taxes) there are still great things. And one incredible guarantee – God. And He’s good and He is looking for me to perform His word to me.