What to do when you've messed up... quit?? or keep going......

Last week was hard. I wanted to quit. 

Quit what, I’m not totally sure. Maybe quit trying.

Know when you’re trying to eat healthy but you accidentally eat this amazing chocolate chip cookie that was taunting you? And then you think.. this is stupid. I just failed. I should eat the rest!!?!

Know when you’re so out of shape that you’re too embarrassed to go to the Running Room and join the walk/run group? You want to get in better shape before you go.. so you stay home and do... nothing??

Know when you have handled the kids so badly and you can’t think your way through and it seems like the only thing left to do is scream and throw things? 

That’s what last week felt like. Crummy and out of control. 

In the middle of my week, I heard a story about someone else who thought about quitting. Someone with a tough past, who had overcome more than I can imagine facing in a lifetime.. they had actually come out of a crazy dark storm and were dancing in life. Then I guess they made a mistake. I don’t know what it was. But it was some mistake that brought shame and internal shouting voices of hate. They turned and ran towards those voices, believing their lies, buying in to the hopeless message and ended up in a situation beyond their control and .. died. 

I know. It’s extreme. But it happened. And there is a community of people left behind, in great pain shouting messages about beauty, life, inspiration, power and value. 

I think I have it pretty easy. But I still get the voices and the hate and the shame when I disappoint myself. On so many levels I think, “Man, I screwed up. What’s the point in trying.” And I’ve quit on many things, many times. There’s this crowd on the sidelines that fully supports me: “Yep. You did. Messed that one up. What kind of person are you anyway? Hopeless! You’re hopeless!” 

They never have a nice thing to say. 

But those guys are liars. 

I heard someone (Steve Backlund) once say, “sometimes the biggest problem is my hopelessness about a problem and not the problem itself.”

I don’t think hopelessness is actually real. I don’t think that there is a situation where there is no way that anything good could actually happen. 

I know I feel hopelessness about a couple of things right now. I know what I just said, but I also know how I feel. Hopelessness feels so loud and so real. 

I heard a guy say this week (Jason Vallotton) that we’re crazy if we are up against a difficult situation (something that seems hopeless), yet we wake up day after day without having a strategy of what we are going to do when we face that problem. 

Sitting in frustration doesn’t actually bring about positive change. 

So, I joined a gym this week... for so many reasons including fitness..  But the main one is to simply have a plan to contradict hopelessness. Hopelessness says “it’s not worth it to try.”  I want every moment of my day, starting with the first ones at 6:25 am, to say, “today is worth living. Today is worth trying. It’s worth getting up again. It’s worth believing despite what I’m seeing. It’s worth the effort.”

It’s day three. I’m so sore. 

What I want in life won’t come without effort. What I want in life won’t come without some failure. It won’t come without facing my fears and doubts.  I have to face the crowd of shame in my head that holds up the signs and agrees with every negative thought I have ever had. 

There are these guys (Steven and Wendy Backlund) who like to laugh at lies. That’s where I want to get. Where I’m living healthy (trying) and I see that cookie and I eat it. Then I hear “you idiot! How are you ever going to going to be a hot mama if you keep making these dumb choices?! You might as well throw away the dream sister and get out the nutella and ice cream and make a sandwich out of the rest of them and start chowing down, cause you are done!” Like a lamb to the slaughter I’m usually like, “yes.. yes I’m an idiot. Yes, yes I should sabotage my dreams. Yes, a moment with nutella and chocolate chip cookies is better than a thousand elsewhere..”

But instead of doing that drill, I’ll feel myself completely disconnected from the tirade meant to shame me... and I’ll laugh.. I’ll laugh and say, “I’m not an idiot. Yeah, yeah.. I shouldn’t have eaten the cookie, but it’s not the end of the world. I have goals and I’m sticking to them.” Then get on to the rest of my day, doing awesome powerful things, making sacrifices I believe in, and enjoying the results of my hard work. 

I see and I hear and I read so many quitting, hopeless conversations inside and around me. 

They’re not true if we don’t believe them.  

Even less so, if we can call them what they are (lies), laugh at them, and live life straight from the heart.