I am not used to this. Love is an always and no matter what comes kind of thing, so when does it start, why and how, and who decides? So strange how God made me to get so bent out of shape because some other imperfect, full-of-flaws, full-of-His-glory-person looks my way and stops. And in all this I continue to hear stories of mistakes, real people who promised with honest intentions to love with a covenant, yet are messing up dangerously. Painfully. I wish my failures would only ever and always just affect me, but the only way to ensure that is to only ever love myself and no one else.. If I make life about me and let no one else in... chances are good no one will be close enough to feel pain when I stumble. But the more people I love, the more deeply I love, the more that they will pay if I stray. O God. I know mercy, humility, honesty and forgiveness . . . that's all that has preserved me. It's sobering. And in all this, He promises to never leave us, never forsake us. There is still so much to hope for, to believe. It's still so beautiful. How often do we forget that when there is a multitude of sins, love's whole undertaking is to cover. If we want to truly love, we need His help. That's all there is to it.
I live on a hill, in the most beautiful area I have ever seen. Yes, there are roads carved into it and houses stacked up right next to each other... but then there are trees. Mountains. Hills. Sunsets. I am so tired my legs are buzzing. My house is silent, except for my fingers tapping on the keys of my mac. My brain is aware of .. I don't know how many things. My friend who just texted me, a new friend whose email I just read, the pile of Christmas cake on the counter that I hate, but ate a little of because there was nothing else, and my voice - which is so tired. . . and I wonder if I was mean tonight and yelled too much - but what do you do to people who are goofing around. I want to be everyone's friend... Tired. Peace. Jesus. I am alone. I'm surrounded. I make decisions constantly. I wish I had chocolate cake here. I'm glad I don't. If you were me, what one thing would you change?
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