Heidi G karlsson

"Stop being so helpless!" This is what I had to say to myself while on my hands and knees in the garden weeding. I was thinking, "This is my first garden. I don't know what I'm doing. I need someone. I am not good at this. I have no experience. I've never done this. I need someone to tell me what to plant. I need someone to take me to the store and help me buy seeds. Maybe someone should just give me seeds. What if I buy the wrong ones? I need someone to tell me where to plant them. I can't do this. I need someone. Who can help me? Who can tell me what to do? Who can come do this for me.. ??" I know. You wouldn't think it, but that's what was in the head that day. And it's in there a lot of days. Every time I come up against something I've never done, I want my hand held. .. which is fine, sort of. Unless it stops me from moving forward. And it does. I expect my kids to be willing to potty train and poop and pee in their pants for a ...

Capacity. It's a word I've been thinking about lately. A couple of years ago a friend and I were training for a triathlon. Neither of us were strong swimmers so we decided to take lessons. One of the exercises we had to do was see how long we could swim along the bottom of the pool before surfacing.. to expand our breathing capacity. At first we barely made it half way across the pool. We panicked, thrashed, and emerged spitting water ungloriously and feeling like failures... as if we could ever make it all the way across the dumb pool. We hated practicing it because it was scary. When you run out of oxygen, or THINK you have, you panic. But then we learned a few tricks, practiced a few more things and eventually could complete a whole length. It was amazing. Nothing changed on the outside, but something inside grew - physical lung capacity as well as mental capacity to stay calm and remain under the water while pushing to the end:). My capacity for being a mom has increased. I...

I am the magic. Yes, that's me. I didn't used to be the magic but I am now. I have to be. It's either sink or swim. I must admit, my magic isn't very strong however. My mom, her magic? Wow. Now there's something to talk about. Or not. .. because it's magic. No one knew how it happened, or when, but the toilet paper was always there. It magically appeared in the cupboard or on the spool. Food on the table? Every day. Snacks in the cupboard? There. Clean clothes? Check the basket. Ride home from school? Just look out the window. There she was. No one noticed or said thanks, just there she was, there it was, there we were, well cared for without a thought about how all these special things were pre-ordained for our comfort and enjoyment. And now I need to be the magic. I feel sorry for the members of my family who resorted to kleenex that was on the other side of the house when I failed to buy more toilet paper to replenish our supply on time, or the ones who had ...

However you spell "diss" in the past tense.. I don't know.. I know they say you don't know what you're talking about when you're not walking in someone else's shoes, but I tell you, it all makes sense to me now. I can't believe how much time my friends with husbands and kids made for me. I can't believe how I am not in charge of so many parts of my life anymore. I mean, all I did was get married and have kids... Of course.... there are days.. Today we were a family of superstars - bathed and out there in mother nature all jacketed and the house cleaned by 10 am. Some days it's 11 and I still have my pajama's on and have no idea what we've done, why it's taken so long and what I can do to bolster the day with some energy and productivity. As if productivity is the mother of all important things. I've started doing one load of laundry every day - completely... start to finish. It's changing my life. HAH! Thanks Victoria. Yest...

When I was younger, I used to think a lot of things. One thing I wondered was why, instead of fighting wars, kings didn't just play chess against each other, that way no one would have to die. Then I thought, well, a dumb king would be frustrated and think it wasn't fair, or one king would lose and then he'd maybe get mad and hit the other king, or tell one of his servants to.. maybe there could just be 10 guys against 10 guys.. but then the loser would always be mad and try to get back and that's why we have war. If we could just stick to chess. . . This all came up because I was listening to Christmas carols.. Song called "Grown Up Christmas List" (wars would never start and love would heal our hearts..).. even the words "Peace on earth, good will to men" occur all the time in Christmas songs. There's one that goes a step further and says "and let it begin with me." I think about how much turmoil there is in my heart. Not very much, ...

in one year so much change i can scarcely say one thing that remains the same. in conversations i wonder if i talk enough about thoughts i've recently made incredible waves of inspiration that were what helped make the latest song story painting or if you are bored with my stories of little people and delighting things they say where it's like light and revelation create moments and i am the one who gets to be mom to see it i wonder it's like i've almost disappeared and yet i am more than completely here never have i not longed like i don't now to be somewhere else doing something i had always dreamed but never seen so i wonder happily with a yawn and sometimes a coffee i can see how some suddenly discover it essential to search for personal identity when thick in the midst of this world perhaps i would except i have been waiting too long hoped too deep believed too strong to find it discouraging this miracle of faces around me

I was praying for my son - just starting to, and then I realized that what I was essentially asking God to do was to take away my son's freedom of choice and make him into a boy who is doing what I want. I stopped and it made me wonder - how many times do I say things to God as if He's going to go and control everyone's mind or actions? I still don't really understand prayer. Well I understand the relational part - "Hi God. It's me, Heidi. I love you. I was thinking... yadda yadda... what are you thinking?... just want to be with you..." You know, that kind. But the part where God is supposed to change something on earth just because we asked. What about that kind of prayer. Don't get me wrong, he's the King of kings, the omnipotent, omnipresent Creator of all of the universe and whatever else is out there. BUT God let Adam and Eve choose, he let his son choose... he made this world where humans and choice could co-exist. And so it does. And here ...

I am downloading some sermons into my computer so I have decided to quickly blog. Everything was taking so long, but now suddenly I feel the pressure: 36 seconds remaining. Whatever. Dishes. Weeding. Laundry. Put my make up on. Sleep. Read my Bible. Play guitar. Write a letter. Blog. Read my emails. . . what are the things that are important? Today Noah ran inside 50 times saying, "Going to back up my car on the lawn" and Adam's asked about 47 times, "Daddy coming home for lunch? Is he going back to work?" I read some Bible and even saw some things I'd never seen before, but I feel a little sick because someone I don't know but who is my neighbor is hurting and I'm chicken. SHE baked us cupcakes and SHE gave us a baby carrier. . . and I am tucked away in my backyard. I will go see her but it will take me a little while. Dumb that it's so hard for me. I love my kids. I love my home. I love my husband. I love my life. Noah sang at the top of his lu...

I just freaked out on the poor guy at the store. I was on the phone and somewhere in the back of my ability to hear are glimpses of someone perhaps addressing me: "Ma'am you can't have that back pack in here." When I realize they are panicking as they address me (as if I'm some kid clepto) I put my phone down and say, "You're kidding me. I have my laptop in here." They weren't kidding. I was rude. The man was emphatic. "Put it in customer service." I repeat myself as if he is deaf rather than enforcing a company policy, "My LAP TOP is in here. I am not leaving this with you." I was so mad. I was so rude. I walked out while he insisted it was ok, just leave it in customer service. My friend was laughing at me on the phone. She'd never heard me act like that. She can probably re-tell it more accurately than can I because I was completely emotionally involved. I was so rude. I hate these moments in my life. They are so embarr...

For some reason I feel the need to state where I am each time I write a blog. Or maybe i don't.. I'm not going to check back through my other blogs. I think what happens is I state where I am and then I erase it when i'm done because i think "this doesn't match the rest of what I wrote." I am in the parkinglot of the Home Depot. One little guy is sleeping in the car. I too am in the car. The other little guy is with my husband in the store. Important to note, that the little guy in the store has only a diaper, socks, and shoes on. it's a pretty beautiful thing to behold. In our home, we practice saying what we're thankful for. The other day, Noah said he was thankful for his Guido socks (character from the movie "Cars"). i thought that was so beautiful. Whatever is on his heart, he shares his thankfulness regarding it. Sometimes I think we try to be so humble and spiritual.. thank you for grace, for salvation, for propitiation.. hah... but th...

Today it the weather smells like the fall at Grandpa Wolfe's place. He and my grandma lived on a big lot out in the country next to a sheep farm. They had an old shop where he worked on cars and farm machinery. Lot's of metal paraphernalia hanging around the corners and filling up ditches. .. mysterious misshapen pieces of whatever for three little Suderkids and their imaginations to discover. Grandpa's in heaven and has been for about 8 years so it's funny to suddenly think of him. What's he doing? I think about my life. Today I was walking with my mom and my kids. I am .. well the nice way of saying is... I'm perty tired today. Yep. Tired indeed. The kids were pushing strollers (instead of riding in them. whatever. works for me) and my mom and I were trying to ensure their safety as they wobbled on the road, off the road, onto the neighbors lawn, "oh look there's some bricks to jump on" and the stroller is a rolling abandoned riderless vehicle an...

Married. Completely married off, I am. During intense times of prayer we say to God, "my life is not my own" . . . and we go on our merry way. But when we go on our MARRY way, ah... tis so true. Specially when "marry" includes two special guys under three feet tall with blond and red locks and merry eyes of blue.. well, the "fun" as we sometimes say, never stops. I think coffee shops miss me. I think the economy of space with cool atmosphere wonders, "where is that girl with her journals, mac, ipod, pens and Bible? Where is that girl that pondered here so often with her friends???" HAH! She is awakened daily by, "hellloooo.. OATMEAL!!!!!" and replies, "it's not time to get up yet" and so little feet traipse back to their little lairs. She goes to sleep and wakes up not alone. She is subject to inspection by probing eyes on each bathroom visit. "What's that? Why you painting your eyes? You cutting your eyelashes? ...

Tuesday June 2nd or something like that. Saturday I am getting married. I am getting married Saturday. On Saturday married I am getting. Exciting. Weird. Exciting. Exciting. Busy. Exciting. Tired. Exciting. There is no going back on these things. Two become one (notice .5 and .5 don't become 1.. just a little note there) and nothing is ever the same. Not even when you brush your teeth or what you're going to have for supper or where you put your clothes in the closet or ... yup. What a crazy deal. I still don't believe it. I feel like I can believe that I'll be engaged for the next 30 years, in love, yes.. but married?? Wow. How did I ever get to be here? How did God ever answer my prayers like he did.. How did this happen? I have no idea. But.. I do have a dress, a church, a bunch of food, RSVP's . .. friends.. and a fiance in a super handsome suit all set up to show up at the same time. Should be good :) Phone's ringing. Gotta run.

Outside on the swinging couch. Whatever you call it. Facing the sunset. PJ's on already. So tired. So happy. So busy. Who knew this would ever happen. 16 more days and I'll be a Mrs. The ring sparkles. I almost went through a red light the other day staring at it. Woops. Days are spent doing little things. I am not primarily a little thing doer, but do I am and things are getting done. Journal entries and blogs are not really priorities anymore. Little voices distract me. Two in particular. Mommy is a great thing to hear, but when it comes in that shrill and demanding variety.. I know we're in for something... something great. We will all grow won't we. And there is a certain phone number that only twice have I seen and dismissed, and only then because there was no absolute way I could do anything about it. Every other time... I have dropped everything else. Hi friends. I have dropped everything else. I wonder if you realize (I suppose you must have) how difficult it is...

I am supposed to be asleep i am not supposed to think now but I have happy on my face in my heart all over my brain good except for one thing brains on happy drop stuff so here's hoping no one has yet had enough of being squished around my subconscious tossed in the changing tide deep in the heart of heid because when this part of the start of all this is through and life gets back to a normal that's totally new there we'll be negotiating facing, creating... possibilities God is so so so so so smart and perfect and HE totally knows what he's doing. I still don't like the process, but OH WOW. You humble me so that when you lead me out of the desert, I'm willing to lean unashamedly on you. You. I love you God.

Blogs are not the place I post my heart.. I think I mostly my brain. Criticize my brain - and mostly who cares whatever. Criticize my heart? I will go nuts.. yes nuts right then and there - all over you. Hah! Above all else, guard your heart, for from it flow the wellsprings of life. This written in the book of the one who came as a man and gave his heart, willing to be eternally rejected because that also means some would accept, and that would be an eternal acceptance. Your thoughts are not my thoughts. Your ways? Totally not mine. Glad you're God and I'm this girl over here that loves because she first was loved.

Um. Things get worked out if you don't be a chicken. And then things are better than they could have been if you hadn't had something to be not chicken about. And then friendships are proven and love is solidified, and we all take ONE BIG STEP forward... together. So much to be happy about.

I am exhausted inside and out. Frustrated. To say I am "imperfect" is sort of a slam on the word "perfect." I shouldn't use it even though I'm saying "IM" in front of perfect. I want to be at least close to perfect. Thing is, there's a part of me that KNOWS who and what I am and what I'm capable of. That part is shouting swear words. It wants me to know that I am . . . blankety blank blank pile of blankety blank. So strange to be in one moment exhausted, aware of God's mercy, love and my dependence on Him.. but then also to have this inexhaustible striving inside, this insistence that I must under no circumstances surrender. I must not humble myself. I must not be ok with me... my best, my worst.. my self. But I am ok with me. I am also so mad at me. I am so tired. There is so much inside my head, inside my heart, inside inside inside. Come out little inside things. You are rattling every time I think, every time I move, every time I wa...

I am a fiance. That is to say, I have a fiance. That is to say, I've been fianced. That is to say, it is all too ... fantastical to believe, and yet there is nothing to believe.. only reality to see. Time to accept a new reality. Who hopes for what she already has? Something ridiculous has happened in my heart because in a moment I realized that this could possibly be a case of me being handed my dreams. I don't know where my heart is, but I felt it turn, and I worried for a split second. . . Cause dreams don't come true, you know? No one gets what they want, do they? In my long 31 years of existence on this planet, I have tried hard not to hold on to my list of grudges against God. They sort of come in buckets of disappointments and times He did and didn't do things that I couldn't understand. Sometimes being a Christian is funny because we think that we shouldn't want anything, but hot-dang do we ever want some stuff. So many times I'd look around and say ...

I um yeah. Some things are too precious, too long fought for, too close to my heart to say. I just want to hold them inside and smile - amazed at my own reality. I have almost hated hope for most of my life because it hurt me to think about it. Yes, a little intense am I. Before worship practice, some of us were talking. This one guy talked about the difference between trust and faith in God. Sometimes we believe for something (faith) and it doesn't happen. That's when we find out where our trust is. When we're not sure what to believe, we can always trust him. I think it will always be hard for me to hope, but the fact of the matter is that God is trustworthy. I don't think there is any way around the pain. Promises are beautiful: delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Promises are painful: hope deferred makes the heart sick. Right now I am witnessing a resolute heart like I've never seen before. It's incredible to see. I t...