Heidi G karlsson

Today something happened that made me angry, embarrassed and frustrated. I had an exchange with someone that was more underneath than it was on the surface. A friend was standing beside me. I couldn’t make eye contact with her. I could feel the confusion. “Why is this person treating you like this, and why is it suddenly so awkward in here??” At least that’s what I felt she felt. But I might have just felt it for myself. I left the situation in tears. How dare you. How. Dare. You.  I wanted to toss that hot potato right back at them. Here ya go. You feel some pain for a bit now.  I’m working it through still. I read lately that if something makes you scared you need to write it. I’m scared.  Not of someone else and what they said. Or how they treated me. I’m scared of what this whole situation might say about me. Me. I’m scare of what’s inside me. It’s like someone went rifling through my garbage cans in the back alley, cans that are no one’s business...

Be kind to yourself.  Really?  Such a funny little phrase.  Is it legit, or is it one of those dangerously entitling phrases that send people off the deep end into self indulgence... focus on me, me thoughts, me time, me life.. I.. I... I... The word “kind” is such an interesting one. It doesn’t mean “nice,” it’s more along the lines of “a good or benevolent nature or disposition.” Thanks dictionary.com.  I have had kind people correct me, disagree with me, and even disciplined me. And I love them.  On the other side of the coin, I’ve been around mean people. They don’t need to correct, disagree or discipline me. All they need to do is look at me and I get the message. LEAVE. And I do.  So, “be kind to yourself.” What can it mean?  I have an internal voice that talks to me almost non-stop about things like how I look, how I compare to others around me, what other people are thinking, what other people think I am thinkin...

Today I went for a run.. walk.. walk and stop... a time of discovery with my 4 year old. It was such a beautiful day and I am trying to get out more. Outside. In the sun. With trees and water and dirt... and stuff. Four year olds are great for that. The other day it worked pretty great to run while my little girl rode her bike. When she goes fast, I can barely keep up. When she goes slow, I catch up and find my breath again.  It was fun, for a while. And then we saw the park benches - with names on them. Every 20 feet. And she wanted to read the names on them. Then there was a bug on the path. Then there were some birds in a tree. A squirrel. Now we are looking for frogs. The sign says no bikes on the floating bridge, so she gets off and walks. Not impressed though. Other people pass us on their bikes. We have a good talk. And then, there it is. A baby turtle five feet from us. Exciting. And then, oh LOOOOOK!! there are 4 big turtles out there on a log. We stay for probably ...

I’ve searched long for community. Read about it. Gazed in on others in envy and wonder. Tried to figure out what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t seem to find my way into a community. And then today I realized - I’m in the middle of it.  I was bringing lunch outside to my kids. I put it on the picnic table and then a little guy from next door says, “oohhhhhh.. I love crackers!” I look at him. I love this kid. “There’s lots. Have one. Or two. Or three. Or four....” I say...  And he reaches for the plate, takes a couple, grabs the cheese, grabs the meat and makes himself a couple of cracker-n-cheese-meat-macs. His siblings come over, look at me and I nod. They dig in. Back into the house I go... for more crackers, cheese, and meat.  And that’s when I realize, I’m in it.. community. .. and community is not this glamorous instagram worthy existence, it’s simply being willing to put out extra cheese and meat because I value the people around me. It’s getting ...

What happens in your head? I wonder about other people’s internal dialogues.  I remember when I first heard a friend say, “just because I think something, doesn’t make it true.” NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Say it isn’t so!! I nodded my head slowly to that one as the light gradually came on during the following weeks.  I’ve always loved the verse about being transformed by renewing your mind. It feels so hopeful. I like getting better. I like changing for the good. A lot of problems have come because I believed something that came up in my brain. Have you ever been hit with something you thought was ridiculous, but someone else believed it? And no matter how hard you argued, they held to their “silly” thought? I struggle when people talk about UFO’s and Bigfoot, although for a while I pretended to believe in faeries because of a course I took in university and where Madeleine L'Engle (in a book) encouraged us to “believe something new every day.” It was hard, b...

Last week was hard. I wanted to quit.  Quit what, I’m not totally sure. Maybe quit trying. Know when you’re trying to eat healthy but you accidentally eat this amazing chocolate chip cookie that was taunting you? And then you think.. this is stupid. I just failed. I should eat the rest!!?! Know when you’re so out of shape that you’re too embarrassed to go to the Running Room and join the walk/run group? You want to get in better shape before you go.. so you stay home and do... nothing?? Know when you have handled the kids so badly and you can’t think your way through and it seems like the only thing left to do is scream and throw things?  That’s what last week felt like. Crummy and out of control.  In the middle of my week, I heard a story about someone else who thought about quitting. Someone with a tough past, who had overcome more than I can imagine facing in a lifetime.. they had actually come out of a crazy dark storm and were dancing in li...

Yesterday was our 7 year wedding anniversary. Well, we thought it was today but we were mistaken about the date. I was probably the one who “looked” on the calendar and said, “yep, it’s on Tuesday!” . . . or maybe we didn’t look on the calendar. Maybe we were too tired to look and just agreed which day was the 6th without looking. Either way, it happened.  Seven years ago, I married a man and 2 little boys. I remember the day he said to me, “I give you these 2 boys. You are their mom. They are not my boys anymore. They are our boys.”    At least 6 years before that a friend prayed for me. It was supposed to be just a quick bless you, love you, see you soon, miss you. I thought. Then she said, “I see a man and some children and I hear God say that family is coming to you.” I didn’t think much of it and we said goodbye.  But then my mind kicked in. A man with children? A divorced man? A man whose wife passed away? Second wife? I’m going to be a SECOND WIFE...

I was doing dishes today and it sounded like one of my kids screamed, “there’s a mouse in the house!!” There may or may not have been a mouse in the house.. nothing ever came of it, so I’m thinking they were just playing a game. But as soon as I heard it, this thought entered my mind: “some people move when there is a mouse in the house. They don’t know what to do with the mouse, so they just leave.”  I know. Funny thought.  I also have this list of things to do on my counter in the kitchen. One of the things to do, is call the plumber. I’ve had to do that for about a year. It’s sort of like a mouse in my house.. something I don’t know what to do about it. I’m not a plumber. I don’t know how much they’ll charge me. I don’t know how it’s all going to turn out. So I don’t call. I just keep emptying and replacing the bucket underneath my sink.. and I wash dishes really fast.. and use the sink on the right hand side more often because it doesn’t leak.  When I...

I have a son with autism. Both he and our family suffer because of it. Lately our family has decided to be honest about how we are doing. It's not good. Because we are talking about it, our friends are trying to respond. One I get a lot is: "Well aren't you glad God won't give you more than you can handle?"  And I'm not mad at anyone for saying it. I just don't think it's true or helpful... on a whole bunch of levels. (If you have said this to me, I might have smiled and said "thanks" because I know that your heart is to encourage me... or that you didn't know what to say. So, thanks for saying something. Thanks for reaching out.) First. God gives good gifts. Only good. Good and perfect. When we talk about depression, cancer, autism, earthquakes, death of a loved one...  I don't believe for a second that God gives or causes any of those things.  If it is not a good gift, it is not God. If I have a destructive situation, something ...

Christmas is so funny. It's Jesus birthday, but he doesn't get any gifts. I decided that our family would give him something this Christmas. Joel gave him and acronym, Adam gave him a card trick and a magic coin trick, Noah gave him a song, Zoe gave him a book that she wrote, and Ranen gave him the letter "H" written over and over on a piece of paper... her favorite letter. And I gave him a picture and a poem. Here it is: One thing         I used to do is write poems on the spur of thought     no time to stop      fix     change     rearrange Just ... go! let words, thoughts out     in a steady flow and while that makes me      feel   vulnerable I think that is     exactly             my goal. Merry Christmas Jesus Seems silly to say      Yet every year          what we really do   ...

Our church has been trying to figure out the word "family." People were using the word to describe their experience of our church, but not everyone shared it's meaning. Family is.... Love. Disfunction. Pain. Painful memories. Joy. A dad who kills dreams. Divorce. Shame. Hope. Safety. What family means varies depending on who you are talking to. I took "Sociology of Family" in university. That was a trip. We arrived at a definition in that class, only because we had to, and it was one of those lowest common denominator things.. so loosely defined. Something like, a group of people who live together and are connected in some way to each other. It was a pretty lame definition. To me, family is at the least, a group of people you are legally connected to by genetics or contractual agreement. The rest...  is an open playing field. Being family determines THAT you are connected, but not HOW. To me, how is everything. I have spent my whole life in both a fa...

I'm going to a Christmas party… and I have nothing to wear. Oh, wait, I do. But it's not new, and.. well. .. I have just been thinking about what the other women will be wearing. Ok fine, I've been thinking about how much hotter their bodies will be than mine. How much better their dresses will look on them. I spent a lot of time today hating on myself for that. Loathing. Regretting. Frustrated. Eating chocolate, and loathing more. This has happened before. Last Christmas. And the year before that. And the wedding before that. ..  But today, something happened that has never happened before. I've been reading some really cool books this last year. The ones that stand out in my mind are by Brene Brown , where she writes about shame. Vulnerability. The gremlins in our minds that speak to us to discourage and silence us. Body shame is often about comparison. So I was comparing. In advance. But all this reading I've been doing, all this thinking I've ...

... after surgery.. after pregnancy... after 6 years of suddenly becoming a family (Glad my kids can't read blogs yet because we're not allowed to use the word "hate." It's too strong. We use phrases like, "I don't prefer," or "It's not my favourite" or  "I really don't like it.") I used to be this girl who worked out. Now, I'm clearly someone's mom trying to make the scene. I'm so thankful for those "women only" sections of gyms. There's all those mirrors and there's all these memories of what those mirrors used to reflect. But the mirror don't lie, and there I am... staring at my ankles, after I've stared at everything else, and I'm thinking, "Man! Even my ankles are out of shape." It's true. Everything is out of shape. And even though I worked out hard (making sure I had fun, mixed it up and challenged myself) nothing looks better. I'm sweaty. But nothing looks...

So…. 2014.    Decided to let the children speak for themselves.. after which I will add my own personal take.. it’s amazing how their personalities are so obviously different, and how you can see so much of who they are based on how they sit in front of the computer video screen and tell a story.  Ranen:  She is 2… and soooooo funny! She tells jokes and understands jokes, and even if she doesn’t understand what is funny, she still laughs. She is super into the color purple, and if I tell her she is beautiful, smart, funny, or kind, she just nods and says, “YEP.” To be honest, she’s not really kind… yet. She’s not unkind per se, but I am just encouraging her that kindness would be nice to develop. In the video, in the part about “we sing pop songs and dance along to a tape”… she says “pop corn” every time.   Cute. She is on my lap right now yelling “Me do it! Me do it.” So she is going to type her favorite letters for you. Sh...