When I was younger, I used to think a lot of things. One thing I wondered was why, instead of fighting wars, kings didn't just play chess against each other, that way no one would have to die. Then I thought, well, a dumb king would be frustrated and think it wasn't fair, or one king would lose and then he'd maybe get mad and hit the other king, or tell one of his servants to.. maybe there could just be 10 guys against 10 guys.. but then the loser would always be mad and try to get back and that's why we have war. If we could just stick to chess. . . This all came up because I was listening to Christmas carols.. Song called "Grown Up Christmas List" (wars would never start and love would heal our hearts..).. even the words "Peace on earth, good will to men" occur all the time in Christmas songs. There's one that goes a step further and says "and let it begin with me." I think about how much turmoil there is in my heart. Not very much, ...
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in one year so much change i can scarcely say one thing that remains the same. in conversations i wonder if i talk enough about thoughts i've recently made incredible waves of inspiration that were what helped make the latest song story painting or if you are bored with my stories of little people and delighting things they say where it's like light and revelation create moments and i am the one who gets to be mom to see it i wonder it's like i've almost disappeared and yet i am more than completely here never have i not longed like i don't now to be somewhere else doing something i had always dreamed but never seen so i wonder happily with a yawn and sometimes a coffee i can see how some suddenly discover it essential to search for personal identity when thick in the midst of this world perhaps i would except i have been waiting too long hoped too deep believed too strong to find it discouraging this miracle of faces around me
I was praying for my son - just starting to, and then I realized that what I was essentially asking God to do was to take away my son's freedom of choice and make him into a boy who is doing what I want. I stopped and it made me wonder - how many times do I say things to God as if He's going to go and control everyone's mind or actions? I still don't really understand prayer. Well I understand the relational part - "Hi God. It's me, Heidi. I love you. I was thinking... yadda yadda... what are you thinking?... just want to be with you..." You know, that kind. But the part where God is supposed to change something on earth just because we asked. What about that kind of prayer. Don't get me wrong, he's the King of kings, the omnipotent, omnipresent Creator of all of the universe and whatever else is out there. BUT God let Adam and Eve choose, he let his son choose... he made this world where humans and choice could co-exist. And so it does. And here ...
I am downloading some sermons into my computer so I have decided to quickly blog. Everything was taking so long, but now suddenly I feel the pressure: 36 seconds remaining. Whatever. Dishes. Weeding. Laundry. Put my make up on. Sleep. Read my Bible. Play guitar. Write a letter. Blog. Read my emails. . . what are the things that are important? Today Noah ran inside 50 times saying, "Going to back up my car on the lawn" and Adam's asked about 47 times, "Daddy coming home for lunch? Is he going back to work?" I read some Bible and even saw some things I'd never seen before, but I feel a little sick because someone I don't know but who is my neighbor is hurting and I'm chicken. SHE baked us cupcakes and SHE gave us a baby carrier. . . and I am tucked away in my backyard. I will go see her but it will take me a little while. Dumb that it's so hard for me. I love my kids. I love my home. I love my husband. I love my life. Noah sang at the top of his lu...
I just freaked out on the poor guy at the store. I was on the phone and somewhere in the back of my ability to hear are glimpses of someone perhaps addressing me: "Ma'am you can't have that back pack in here." When I realize they are panicking as they address me (as if I'm some kid clepto) I put my phone down and say, "You're kidding me. I have my laptop in here." They weren't kidding. I was rude. The man was emphatic. "Put it in customer service." I repeat myself as if he is deaf rather than enforcing a company policy, "My LAP TOP is in here. I am not leaving this with you." I was so mad. I was so rude. I walked out while he insisted it was ok, just leave it in customer service. My friend was laughing at me on the phone. She'd never heard me act like that. She can probably re-tell it more accurately than can I because I was completely emotionally involved. I was so rude. I hate these moments in my life. They are so embarr...
For some reason I feel the need to state where I am each time I write a blog. Or maybe i don't.. I'm not going to check back through my other blogs. I think what happens is I state where I am and then I erase it when i'm done because i think "this doesn't match the rest of what I wrote." I am in the parkinglot of the Home Depot. One little guy is sleeping in the car. I too am in the car. The other little guy is with my husband in the store. Important to note, that the little guy in the store has only a diaper, socks, and shoes on. it's a pretty beautiful thing to behold. In our home, we practice saying what we're thankful for. The other day, Noah said he was thankful for his Guido socks (character from the movie "Cars"). i thought that was so beautiful. Whatever is on his heart, he shares his thankfulness regarding it. Sometimes I think we try to be so humble and spiritual.. thank you for grace, for salvation, for propitiation.. hah... but th...
Today it the weather smells like the fall at Grandpa Wolfe's place. He and my grandma lived on a big lot out in the country next to a sheep farm. They had an old shop where he worked on cars and farm machinery. Lot's of metal paraphernalia hanging around the corners and filling up ditches. .. mysterious misshapen pieces of whatever for three little Suderkids and their imaginations to discover. Grandpa's in heaven and has been for about 8 years so it's funny to suddenly think of him. What's he doing? I think about my life. Today I was walking with my mom and my kids. I am .. well the nice way of saying is... I'm perty tired today. Yep. Tired indeed. The kids were pushing strollers (instead of riding in them. whatever. works for me) and my mom and I were trying to ensure their safety as they wobbled on the road, off the road, onto the neighbors lawn, "oh look there's some bricks to jump on" and the stroller is a rolling abandoned riderless vehicle an...
Married. Completely married off, I am. During intense times of prayer we say to God, "my life is not my own" . . . and we go on our merry way. But when we go on our MARRY way, ah... tis so true. Specially when "marry" includes two special guys under three feet tall with blond and red locks and merry eyes of blue.. well, the "fun" as we sometimes say, never stops. I think coffee shops miss me. I think the economy of space with cool atmosphere wonders, "where is that girl with her journals, mac, ipod, pens and Bible? Where is that girl that pondered here so often with her friends???" HAH! She is awakened daily by, "hellloooo.. OATMEAL!!!!!" and replies, "it's not time to get up yet" and so little feet traipse back to their little lairs. She goes to sleep and wakes up not alone. She is subject to inspection by probing eyes on each bathroom visit. "What's that? Why you painting your eyes? You cutting your eyelashes? ...
Tuesday June 2nd or something like that. Saturday I am getting married. I am getting married Saturday. On Saturday married I am getting. Exciting. Weird. Exciting. Exciting. Busy. Exciting. Tired. Exciting. There is no going back on these things. Two become one (notice .5 and .5 don't become 1.. just a little note there) and nothing is ever the same. Not even when you brush your teeth or what you're going to have for supper or where you put your clothes in the closet or ... yup. What a crazy deal. I still don't believe it. I feel like I can believe that I'll be engaged for the next 30 years, in love, yes.. but married?? Wow. How did I ever get to be here? How did God ever answer my prayers like he did.. How did this happen? I have no idea. But.. I do have a dress, a church, a bunch of food, RSVP's . .. friends.. and a fiance in a super handsome suit all set up to show up at the same time. Should be good :) Phone's ringing. Gotta run.
Outside on the swinging couch. Whatever you call it. Facing the sunset. PJ's on already. So tired. So happy. So busy. Who knew this would ever happen. 16 more days and I'll be a Mrs. The ring sparkles. I almost went through a red light the other day staring at it. Woops. Days are spent doing little things. I am not primarily a little thing doer, but do I am and things are getting done. Journal entries and blogs are not really priorities anymore. Little voices distract me. Two in particular. Mommy is a great thing to hear, but when it comes in that shrill and demanding variety.. I know we're in for something... something great. We will all grow won't we. And there is a certain phone number that only twice have I seen and dismissed, and only then because there was no absolute way I could do anything about it. Every other time... I have dropped everything else. Hi friends. I have dropped everything else. I wonder if you realize (I suppose you must have) how difficult it is...
I am supposed to be asleep i am not supposed to think now but I have happy on my face in my heart all over my brain good except for one thing brains on happy drop stuff so here's hoping no one has yet had enough of being squished around my subconscious tossed in the changing tide deep in the heart of heid because when this part of the start of all this is through and life gets back to a normal that's totally new there we'll be negotiating facing, creating... possibilities God is so so so so so smart and perfect and HE totally knows what he's doing. I still don't like the process, but OH WOW. You humble me so that when you lead me out of the desert, I'm willing to lean unashamedly on you. You. I love you God.
Blogs are not the place I post my heart.. I think I mostly my brain. Criticize my brain - and mostly who cares whatever. Criticize my heart? I will go nuts.. yes nuts right then and there - all over you. Hah! Above all else, guard your heart, for from it flow the wellsprings of life. This written in the book of the one who came as a man and gave his heart, willing to be eternally rejected because that also means some would accept, and that would be an eternal acceptance. Your thoughts are not my thoughts. Your ways? Totally not mine. Glad you're God and I'm this girl over here that loves because she first was loved.
I am exhausted inside and out. Frustrated. To say I am "imperfect" is sort of a slam on the word "perfect." I shouldn't use it even though I'm saying "IM" in front of perfect. I want to be at least close to perfect. Thing is, there's a part of me that KNOWS who and what I am and what I'm capable of. That part is shouting swear words. It wants me to know that I am . . . blankety blank blank pile of blankety blank. So strange to be in one moment exhausted, aware of God's mercy, love and my dependence on Him.. but then also to have this inexhaustible striving inside, this insistence that I must under no circumstances surrender. I must not humble myself. I must not be ok with me... my best, my worst.. my self. But I am ok with me. I am also so mad at me. I am so tired. There is so much inside my head, inside my heart, inside inside inside. Come out little inside things. You are rattling every time I think, every time I move, every time I wa...
I am a fiance. That is to say, I have a fiance. That is to say, I've been fianced. That is to say, it is all too ... fantastical to believe, and yet there is nothing to believe.. only reality to see. Time to accept a new reality. Who hopes for what she already has? Something ridiculous has happened in my heart because in a moment I realized that this could possibly be a case of me being handed my dreams. I don't know where my heart is, but I felt it turn, and I worried for a split second. . . Cause dreams don't come true, you know? No one gets what they want, do they? In my long 31 years of existence on this planet, I have tried hard not to hold on to my list of grudges against God. They sort of come in buckets of disappointments and times He did and didn't do things that I couldn't understand. Sometimes being a Christian is funny because we think that we shouldn't want anything, but hot-dang do we ever want some stuff. So many times I'd look around and say ...
I um yeah. Some things are too precious, too long fought for, too close to my heart to say. I just want to hold them inside and smile - amazed at my own reality. I have almost hated hope for most of my life because it hurt me to think about it. Yes, a little intense am I. Before worship practice, some of us were talking. This one guy talked about the difference between trust and faith in God. Sometimes we believe for something (faith) and it doesn't happen. That's when we find out where our trust is. When we're not sure what to believe, we can always trust him. I think it will always be hard for me to hope, but the fact of the matter is that God is trustworthy. I don't think there is any way around the pain. Promises are beautiful: delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Promises are painful: hope deferred makes the heart sick. Right now I am witnessing a resolute heart like I've never seen before. It's incredible to see. I t...
I am not used to this. Love is an always and no matter what comes kind of thing, so when does it start, why and how, and who decides? So strange how God made me to get so bent out of shape because some other imperfect, full-of-flaws, full-of-His-glory-person looks my way and stops. And in all this I continue to hear stories of mistakes, real people who promised with honest intentions to love with a covenant, yet are messing up dangerously. Painfully. I wish my failures would only ever and always just affect me, but the only way to ensure that is to only ever love myself and no one else.. If I make life about me and let no one else in... chances are good no one will be close enough to feel pain when I stumble. But the more people I love, the more deeply I love, the more that they will pay if I stray. O God. I know mercy, humility, honesty and forgiveness . . . that's all that has preserved me. It's sobering. And in all this, He promises to never leave us, never forsake us. Ther...
It's something when who you are is blessed isn't it. It seems like this intangible thing that you can't create or ask for.. You don't die if it's not there. In fact, it's not even necessary to build a relationship on.. it just "IS." Some people just know, while others can be told and still don't seem to be able to connect. I wonder if that's not such a bad thing.. otherwise we'd all want to be best friends with everyone else on the whole planet and we'd just talk and play all day and never get any work done. Nah. Kidding. Maybe it's special because it's rare. Anyway, you know when there's this one thing about you, and it's not good or bad, it's just not something a lot of people care about or share with you? It's not like they demean it, they just forget and never bring it up. But it's there and it's part of you. If they were deliberate, even though the intentions are there, it's awkward and incomple...
Late night thoughts time still ticks for me waits while we discuss the merits of not being in a hurry. still surprised my heart tries to catch up while i request a summary just to be completely sure. yes. still there. i stare. dreams appear like reality until the hidden seam faintly showing in between night and day is unraveled gently and dawn starts to chase black away to colors of gray rub my eyes with double fisted tries and decide trust is all that lies inside to sustain and the wait is what can make something good something great
Hard to believe. I believe and then I see, and become completely confused. I think God really gets a kick out of us. It's so strange being human and so limited, and yet insisting on believing in God, and believing God and all the limitlessness of things He promises. We, the limited ones become unlimited but we're just not sure how and where and what and when it all works. So we have everything we need for life and godliness, but it doesn't come by magic and it's not automatic and it's not a one time get yer holiness packet and never come back for more cause you have no need and you're all good.. It's just real and mysterious and hidden and heartbreaking and humbling.. even discouraging. All those "take heart" verses are so interesting... "because I have overcome the world." We will have trouble. We can optimistically say that things will definitely be terrible from time to time. Yay! But we can also be sure that God is unchanging in His ...
What to say.. well, if that was any indication of things to come, she's laughing a little differently now. Well, she was supposed to be smiling at the future with complete trust before, and she was. Most days. Um, but trust and faith has to do with things unseen. So when she might be staring at it - MIGHT BE MIGHT BE ... SHE SAID MIGHT BE, the smile changes. Surprise. Shock. Wow. Good surprise. Good isn't even the right word. Surprise like a sunrise when it's not supposed to be. We settled for morning haze, and it's 10:30 am but what? BAM. Sun hit you in the face. Wow. Happy before.. but this! Nice to be alive. So this is what it's like to sit in the sun. And of course there are moments like "Oh my goodness what if the sun falls on my head! Wont that hurt?!" Oh yeah. I bet it would... but it hasn't yet, so let's just leave it where it is until tomorrow. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, w...
Twas the night before somethin' and I was baking cookies just in case they weren't terrible then maybe, but if not no big deal. Hmm. My voice is tired. I'm missing a few notes. I have taken naps in the last three consecutive days. I have been afraid. I've been excited. I've wondered. I've been happy. I have had dreams. Funny ones. I've felt peace. What do you do when you go where you've never gone? How do you know anything when everything is something you've never thought through? Funny how clueless I am in the middle of all this tumult and yet - peace. It's hard to patiently take the first few tentative steps without imagining how fun it would be to run. Gratitude : ) I have never used so many happy faces in my writing ever before. I can't wait to see. I am waiting to see. All I can do is wait. There is nothing else to do. Tomorrow will be a marathon of slow and then when it's finally time I will.. I will be tempted to hide inside my clo...
i couldn't hide my smile if i tried i try but why it's too wide so sigh i laugh a little make it echo in the open tunnel so dark and cool the train screams through breaking into sun you never know until you go what you'll find until you get to the other side and even then you find there's another bend so . . . smile and walk a while
It's late I should go to sleep but I sit listening to a french song sent by a russian friend for me strange yet why not I wonder move on the middle of me threw out some things when i wasn't looking i couldn't keep up the heart to believe them cause they were invisible impossible seeds, dead and gone and I took them too seriously i used to think that facing fear would mean the end and erasing fear but now i see the only remedy is perfect love come so much more than near only He can end rotten thought and cast out fear once for ever little by little all.
Christmas is over. No big deal. Everything good about it is still true, and everything bad about it is a memory and was probably based on pressure we put on ourselves in areas that had nothing to do with Christ and his gift of himself to us. It took me all of four minutes to put my three trees away, a string of lights wrapped around fake bushes (what is it called?? those fake branches that wrap around any and everything), my wreath, the candle that makes things smell like Christmas. The silver stars still hang from the ceiling, but they can stay because they are not red or green and we all know stars hang in the sky every day of our lives. But mostly I want to talk about this picture. I am quite pleased with it. When challenged not to be a poop-head about decorating my place, it occurred to me that decorating could be quite exciting. And oh was it ever. This piece of wrapping paper and Christmas ribbon art left little to be desired in the way of conversation and inspiration. But now it...