Heidi G karlsson

My kids live to have people over. I usually like my space. My time. My privacy. I like to be.. alone with them. And the classical music. Well, today the school's weren't open due to a strike. And I love my kids. .. and my neighbours kids too.. So we invited some extra's over for a little artistic exploration. Bought supplies and snacks and opened the door. I had in my mind quiet children gluing and colouring. I thought they would sit. . . for a long time. I thought I would stand and sip the latte that I had just lovingly made for myself from the stove top and my own little non-machine milk frother that I am very excited to have, and I would observe these little geniuses. I would make no rules. I would have no opinions. I would only comment and say, "my, my, how wonderful it is to be creative."  Now, you might think that we didn't have a good time. We did. But it wasn't what I expected. For a couple of days Noah has wanted to make a ghost truck. He...

A while ago, like a few years, someone told me the quickest way to happiness was to lower my standards. And she laughed and I laughed. And I probably blogged about it. But it made me really mad. The problem (or the wonderful thing, depending) with me is that I am an idealist. I have great expectations. Expectations, now there is another topic. However, to stick with one thought, we are talking about happiness and standards. Specifically we were talking about having a clean house. I was frustrated with how my home was always messy. I wanted  a clean house that I could feel happy in. There is a lot of motherly sentiment about messy house, happy kids... and women, whose children are grown, saying things like, if there was one thing I would do again, I wouldn't worry so much about the messy house. Baloney. That's not my house by the way. She says that  because her kids are grown and she would give anything to go back in time and enjoy them in that special way that they are ...

Yes. This is our family photo. And I love it. And I love our family. And these last 5 years have been the most difficult years of my life. Recently I posted our family photo on facebook. I was shocked. 70 likes? Or something like that. 20 comments. For our little page and our small number of friends, I thought those numbers were pretty high. Don't get me wrong, this is a great photo. We are who we are. We have some great times, some hilarious kids, a great husband, great neighborhood, amazing church family... wonderful family. But we also have something else in our home. We have autism. It's such an interesting.... diagnosis... situation. What do you call it. Maybe one day I will say that I am so thankful for what autism has taught our family, but I will be honest and say that since our diagnosis in August and our discovery of how autism is affecting our son Noah, I have nothing good to say about autism. The only gift it brings to us, that I can see right now, is that it has ...

a day is gone well, half and i am torn between being me and preserving the chance that i will remain sane for the rest of it. rest. ever get some? or does that lit up beeping thing that slick beauty in your hand keep you everyday alldaynight in demand waiting for whispers some sort of connection i text therefore, i am then there is that blue page the rage we all wait walk across our own stage sometimes 20 times a day or more what might someone say about what i said when i saw what they wrote on their post i digress two nights in a row once i told my thoughts to go thru my head didn't keep them away didn't let them stay just closed my eyes for five and gave light a chance to grace my brain rest. best do it again before i forget how great it is to wait listen to peace let go of control and be.

It disgusts.. saddens… disappoints me, how pumped I felt when the lady at the park recognized me from high school… she had never known me personally, but recognized me.. was I on student council or… no.. in my own little high school I was famous for basketball.   When she recognized my name, my heart was so proud.   I felt so worthwhile, so important. Super pumped about the Heidi Suderman of old. I have gotten rid of all but one pair of university basketball paraphernalia. I have cut jerseys and track pants into pieces, thrown team jackets, pants, etc, away.. all because they mean so much to me. How do people do it? Be humble, I mean. No human was meant to be worshiped. Not that I was, but I was known and praised. It felt so good. As an adult I have had to deal with my great failure of a life because I have not arrived at any internationally known stage to display my greatness. I’m the overweight mom in the checkout line with kids who are super cute, and som...

I didn't want to be on facebook. And when I did, I made all my settings super private. And then I said "NO" to lots of people who wanted to "friend" me. And then when I did add people, I ERASED THEM. Not all, just some. I wanted facebook to be just for me and my family.  Know why? One reason is, I want to know you in real life. I don't want your facebook life. And you don't want mine either. I tend to post super cute things that my kids say. Oh and they are brilliant. You do need to hear those things. ( I actually post those things so that when I make our yearly photo album I'll have cute things close at hand to make the book all the more memorable to us). But I would never post the fact that I just got told I was a dumb mom and that my son hates this family and never wants to be here again, my precious son who has autism and we are just learning how to work with him and we fail multiple times daily. And when we have no money, I'm not go...

I don't like birthdays because I feel like it is friendship report card day. Every year I get nervous. I don't think anyone will come. I have had some great birthdays over the years, and I think I have some great friendships. But it still doesn't add up.  I don't remember when I first started being afraid of the birthday party. When I was 16, my parents threw me a surprise party and invited my school AND church friends. I didn't have the social skills or wherewithall to enjoy myself. But I can remember even further back, being 10 maybe, and inviting some kids - but very carefully because there were these 3 girls that always hung out and I often felt left out and fought with them. So I only invited 1 of the 3. Or 2. And I told them so: "You guys aren't nice to me when you're together so I'm not inviting you all." Duh. Don't know why I cared so much. They were never my friends. I have always longed for deep, real and satisfying friend...

Yes, I have been. Chasing blogs. Tell me if you read any that you love. See, I have been shocked. I understand the value of blogging. It's like external journaling and you get feedback. Somehow some people get paid to do it. If I could I would. I think you have to be willing to opinion a bit more and dialogue with people who hate or disagree with you. I think you have to let people call you bad names and use it as fuel or to help you see you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing. Maybe one day. Back to blogging - I have been searching for blogs worth reading. I'm sure there are some. I find some person then I find out they are famous, then I research them, and OH, wouldn't you know it.. scandal attached to their name. Not just like people calling them heretics, I'm fine with that. But bad stories people want to hide. I don't know what I'm looking for. I'm trying to replace facebook. What I should really do is go to the library and take out so...

I was walking across the street... the crosswalk. The little white man was lit up indicating it was my turn to go. No blinking red hand, no solid red hand. All signs were a "go." A car decided to turn left right in front of us. Did I mention I was not alone? NO. 4 children with me. Two in the chariot, 1 walking and 1 riding his bike. So this car turns right across our path. Ok fine. She wasn't looking but we were barely getting started across. No harm, no foul. Then the white van behind the car follows suit. Or tries. Only problem is, now we are mid cross walk. I am not a road rager. I am not a yeller at strangers. I respect people's space. It's probably pride, but I try to keep things under control and not lose control. But these are my babies and that van driver is an idiot and we are about to get hit, so I yell, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!!!" I raise my hands and wave and try to put my body between my kids and the van coming towards us. Lady looks up. To...

Merry Christmas from the Karlssons... 2012 We have such a great community of friends. Thank you for being part of that – a part of us. What a wonderful, crazy, diverse year we had. After being inspired to make changes in our lives, Joel and Heidi signed up for the Vancouver Sun run and started to train, only to discover that… we were going to have another baby. While Joel was the only one in the family to the training and the run, 2 or 3 nights each week, the whole family put our toques on, piled into our Apex car and drove down to the Cloverdale Fair grounds and ran and rode around. Heidi did the timing and when she whistled Joel would stop or start depending. The boys had to be coaxed with snacks from time to time. It was pretty cold. In the beginning Zoe just rode in the stroller, but by the end, she insisted on doing the running herself. How fun to go to Vancouver and get lost in the mess of people while Joel completed his first 10 km Sun Run. This year Adam discovered Be...

We have a new baby. We totally thought she was going to be a boy. Totally. Why, you ask? Why does anyone think they know anything about a baby before he or she is born... a feeling. But she is totally a girl. Dark curly hair, fine facial features, long fingers... and she was almost a home birth. Woops. Early on in the pregnancy I thought, "hey, a home birth might not be so bad... I'll ask about it." So I did. I took the book home from the midwife and put it on my dresser. Three weeks later I brought it back (not having cracked it open) having decided for sure NO... I didn't do any research just decided I didn't want to do the laundry and I didn't want my kids to hear me yell or cry. Just my opinion. We moved to Abbotsford, I picked a new midwife clinic, went to a few appointments.. they changed my due date from September 6 to September 4th. I "knew" the baby would be late because my original due date as calculated by myself was September 11. ...

I think it was in the last post that I lamented someone coming to terms with messiness and not getting laundry done. It made me mad. Since then I have been determined to find a solution. I went to a friend's house and notice something. Nothing. She didn't have clutter. Yeah, she probably tidied before we came over, but come on.. there really wasn't much there to mess. I think that's a personality type.. to be so void of any clutter or potential for it.  On the other hand, here, we have homeschool supplies, art supplies, musical instruments, journals from the last 20 years for both of us..  we also collect bottles as a family business. We have stuff around. I'm never going to be as clean as that friend of mine. But it sure did make me think.. and as I thought, my kids toys started disappearing, so did some of my old clothes, old books, shoes... things came off of our dresser and went straight into the recycle (sorry honey but if you've had a business card there f...

Mess. One of my former co-worker's favorite font was called "a D#$@ mess." I think she liked it cause she was so pure and it was the only time she could swear. But yes, messes. A couple of months ago, or so, or a month, or whatever you know how it goes, a friend gave me a magazine she thought I'd love. And I do love it. Or I should. It's a celebration of life... families... dads who love their kids... moms who sacrifice.. beautiful stories, pictures, poems, etc, around these sacred relationships. But I found myself depressed and not wanting to read it. These stories featured people with imperfections that didn't get resolved.  Some stories celebrated the mess, the laundry that never got done. It was pictures of normal people. Skinny. Fat. Beautiful. Ordinary. Kinda not so pretty.  They made too much of a deal out of things that were normal. Messy.  Thing is, I don't like messes. I always want out. Fix it, come clean, purge, whatever, just... don't ...

I used to live life in my head. Now I live it in my doings, in my hands... I used to think, now I do. (And by the way blogspot has created such a beautiful new clean format for blogging it is wierding me out and I think I must be logged in and writing in the wrong place.) I still think.. but my doing is way ahead of my thinking. I don't have time to consider and research and review, and re-consider, I have to go with what I got. And sometimes that is fine. Funny thing is, when it's not fine, it doesn't matter. I gotta go with it anyway and I don't have time to lament my lack of pondering time. It's probably really healthy for my kind of personality. I have no time to get all twisted up and paralyzed inside my head. It's fun, learning. Last year I homeschooled our oldest little guy. Kindergarten. I'm a teacher, I said to myself. How can this be hard... plus I like learning through natural means.. every day.. .. Let's just wing it and see how the whole ...

She's 10 month's old now. Last night I thought about waking her up just to hold her. You know when they are all cuddly and warm... they just squish into your arms... but I didn't. I knew if I waited long enough, she'd wake up and I'd get my chance. She did... around 1 am and oh was I happy to pick her up. The chances are getting fewer these days. It's on purpose and I'm very happy to regain my sleep, but I miss her. She must have a tooth coming in that's causing her grief because she's more than warm and pretty clingy. Tough to get stuff done (impossible?) but ... it won't last forever. It won't. What does? I remember in high school a coach I barely knew, in passing said, "Yeah, well what do we know for sure?" and he looked at me like he expected a certain answer. I said, "I don't know" and he seemed surprised. I guess, private Christian school kid, he must have expected me to jump on the evangelistic opportunity and b...

Mom. Yes. this is my mom. Doesn't it look serene? Life can look so easy in pictures. And some times it is. I am stealing time right now... I am a mom. Incredibly, my children all nap in the afternoons. I am trying to co-ordinate the sleepage so as to have some time to myself. Sometimes I nap, sometimes I clean, but today... I write. Back to the mom stuff. It's the hardest job in the world. Well, I'm sure you could find something tougher if you wanted but this isn't a democracy where you get to vote and state your opinions.. it's a blog and I have the choke hold of power on this one :) I don't know if mom-love is possible to explain. I had no idea what it was until I became one, and that kind of makes me mad... I am frustrated for myself, having grown up all these years and not being able to realize, have the capacity to realize how much I was loved. The same for my kids. They get envelopes every morning (if they behave the night before) that are filled with diff...

And somewhere in there... something ... changed.. very, very subtly. Today I need to change, because yesterday I realized that I had developed quite a bad attitude towards my kids. Terrible, I know. I have been apologizing to them when I feel I have not been fair, or have been rude..etc, but I have not been changing. The thing that did it was this mom at the grocery store. She was letting her son push the buttons on the self check out, which is a cool mom thing to do, but her attitude toward him was awful. Reminded me of someone I knew.. someone I saw in the mirror the other day. I could blame many different things - perhaps first and foremost would be sleep deprivation or perhaps, familiarity. Anyway, my guys just woke up from their nap (a little too soon and they're both quite... neeeedy) so I gotta run. But they will see in my face and voice - love.. even when they're being ridiculous. .. well, I will turn my heart that way anyway.

I wanted to write something about reality. Sometimes I like God a little bit more and he is less confusing when life is really difficult. It's easy to mean what I say when I absolutely need God. .. when things won't happen, won't change, won't get better, won't be, unless He does something. We say words like "grace".. there 's this song I was listening to. It went "thank you for your love, thank you for your grace"... blah blah blah something something, then the word "face." So maybe the guy used grace because it rhymed with face. No crime there, but WHAT DOES HIS SONG MEAN? I am a little bit opposed to pretty songs that have sweet arrangements and generic phrases. I like the ones with awkwardnesses.. real things.. like "thank you that I'm not a drunk anymore" or "thanks that I didn't die while I drove reckless like a banchee." Serious. I was listening to someone talk about some stories in the Bible. He w...

I want to write something... anything. Deep and profound doesn't really fit my lifestyle these days.. Simple and wise would be enough. Zoe lies on the floor staring and talking to these little characters suspended from this arched baby toy hangy thing. She is really talking to them. She rolls around, talking, batting at them, and just generally enjoying herself. The boys are having a nap. Well, one is. The other is having his second "I gotta go potty" break. It was supposed to be an urgent poop but apparently "it didn't want to come out." Back in bed is he. And I, well, lunch leftovers are still on the table and counter. Laundry (that my husband folded) sits on the coffee table (I can't put it away while the boys sleep). Zoe is still rolling, spitting and batting. Life is wonderful. This whole "well lived in" home atmosphere gets to me though. A friend told me the quickest way to a clean house is to lower your standards. HA! You lower your stan...

Write a blog, hey. It's Monday night. I'm exhausted. Three kids. I think we're under the weather a bit here. Baby's not necessarily sleeping peacefully. She's a little needy for the comfort of momma and ... here I am. And there I was all last night. It's beautiful. Just what I asked for. So what is this bliss like? Unbelievable. I love deeper than I ever have, but at times it honestly seems like I show it less than ever before... I think I would be a wonderful mother of one. I could pay all the attention I wanted without distraction on one child. I wouldn't have to say, "wait.. wait please... I said WAIT.. I... SAID...ahhhhh!!!" you know how it goes. My judgementalism has incredibly decreased. Almost disappeared... at least when it comes to parenting. Oh my goodness. Is there anything more challenging in the world? Every kid, every stage, every day... it changes it changes it changes. And I beg for wisdom, insight, something... so I can figure out...