Um. Things get worked out if you don't be a chicken. And then things are better than they could have been if you hadn't had something to be not chicken about. And then friendships are proven and love is solidified, and we all take ONE BIG STEP forward... together. So much to be happy about.
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I am exhausted inside and out. Frustrated. To say I am "imperfect" is sort of a slam on the word "perfect." I shouldn't use it even though I'm saying "IM" in front of perfect. I want to be at least close to perfect. Thing is, there's a part of me that KNOWS who and what I am and what I'm capable of. That part is shouting swear words. It wants me to know that I am . . . blankety blank blank pile of blankety blank. So strange to be in one moment exhausted, aware of God's mercy, love and my dependence on Him.. but then also to have this inexhaustible striving inside, this insistence that I must under no circumstances surrender. I must not humble myself. I must not be ok with me... my best, my worst.. my self. But I am ok with me. I am also so mad at me. I am so tired. There is so much inside my head, inside my heart, inside inside inside. Come out little inside things. You are rattling every time I think, every time I move, every time I wa...
I am a fiance. That is to say, I have a fiance. That is to say, I've been fianced. That is to say, it is all too ... fantastical to believe, and yet there is nothing to believe.. only reality to see. Time to accept a new reality. Who hopes for what she already has? Something ridiculous has happened in my heart because in a moment I realized that this could possibly be a case of me being handed my dreams. I don't know where my heart is, but I felt it turn, and I worried for a split second. . . Cause dreams don't come true, you know? No one gets what they want, do they? In my long 31 years of existence on this planet, I have tried hard not to hold on to my list of grudges against God. They sort of come in buckets of disappointments and times He did and didn't do things that I couldn't understand. Sometimes being a Christian is funny because we think that we shouldn't want anything, but hot-dang do we ever want some stuff. So many times I'd look around and say ...
I um yeah. Some things are too precious, too long fought for, too close to my heart to say. I just want to hold them inside and smile - amazed at my own reality. I have almost hated hope for most of my life because it hurt me to think about it. Yes, a little intense am I. Before worship practice, some of us were talking. This one guy talked about the difference between trust and faith in God. Sometimes we believe for something (faith) and it doesn't happen. That's when we find out where our trust is. When we're not sure what to believe, we can always trust him. I think it will always be hard for me to hope, but the fact of the matter is that God is trustworthy. I don't think there is any way around the pain. Promises are beautiful: delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Promises are painful: hope deferred makes the heart sick. Right now I am witnessing a resolute heart like I've never seen before. It's incredible to see. I t...
I am not used to this. Love is an always and no matter what comes kind of thing, so when does it start, why and how, and who decides? So strange how God made me to get so bent out of shape because some other imperfect, full-of-flaws, full-of-His-glory-person looks my way and stops. And in all this I continue to hear stories of mistakes, real people who promised with honest intentions to love with a covenant, yet are messing up dangerously. Painfully. I wish my failures would only ever and always just affect me, but the only way to ensure that is to only ever love myself and no one else.. If I make life about me and let no one else in... chances are good no one will be close enough to feel pain when I stumble. But the more people I love, the more deeply I love, the more that they will pay if I stray. O God. I know mercy, humility, honesty and forgiveness . . . that's all that has preserved me. It's sobering. And in all this, He promises to never leave us, never forsake us. Ther...
It's something when who you are is blessed isn't it. It seems like this intangible thing that you can't create or ask for.. You don't die if it's not there. In fact, it's not even necessary to build a relationship on.. it just "IS." Some people just know, while others can be told and still don't seem to be able to connect. I wonder if that's not such a bad thing.. otherwise we'd all want to be best friends with everyone else on the whole planet and we'd just talk and play all day and never get any work done. Nah. Kidding. Maybe it's special because it's rare. Anyway, you know when there's this one thing about you, and it's not good or bad, it's just not something a lot of people care about or share with you? It's not like they demean it, they just forget and never bring it up. But it's there and it's part of you. If they were deliberate, even though the intentions are there, it's awkward and incomple...
Late night thoughts time still ticks for me waits while we discuss the merits of not being in a hurry. still surprised my heart tries to catch up while i request a summary just to be completely sure. yes. still there. i stare. dreams appear like reality until the hidden seam faintly showing in between night and day is unraveled gently and dawn starts to chase black away to colors of gray rub my eyes with double fisted tries and decide trust is all that lies inside to sustain and the wait is what can make something good something great
Hard to believe. I believe and then I see, and become completely confused. I think God really gets a kick out of us. It's so strange being human and so limited, and yet insisting on believing in God, and believing God and all the limitlessness of things He promises. We, the limited ones become unlimited but we're just not sure how and where and what and when it all works. So we have everything we need for life and godliness, but it doesn't come by magic and it's not automatic and it's not a one time get yer holiness packet and never come back for more cause you have no need and you're all good.. It's just real and mysterious and hidden and heartbreaking and humbling.. even discouraging. All those "take heart" verses are so interesting... "because I have overcome the world." We will have trouble. We can optimistically say that things will definitely be terrible from time to time. Yay! But we can also be sure that God is unchanging in His ...
What to say.. well, if that was any indication of things to come, she's laughing a little differently now. Well, she was supposed to be smiling at the future with complete trust before, and she was. Most days. Um, but trust and faith has to do with things unseen. So when she might be staring at it - MIGHT BE MIGHT BE ... SHE SAID MIGHT BE, the smile changes. Surprise. Shock. Wow. Good surprise. Good isn't even the right word. Surprise like a sunrise when it's not supposed to be. We settled for morning haze, and it's 10:30 am but what? BAM. Sun hit you in the face. Wow. Happy before.. but this! Nice to be alive. So this is what it's like to sit in the sun. And of course there are moments like "Oh my goodness what if the sun falls on my head! Wont that hurt?!" Oh yeah. I bet it would... but it hasn't yet, so let's just leave it where it is until tomorrow. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, w...
Twas the night before somethin' and I was baking cookies just in case they weren't terrible then maybe, but if not no big deal. Hmm. My voice is tired. I'm missing a few notes. I have taken naps in the last three consecutive days. I have been afraid. I've been excited. I've wondered. I've been happy. I have had dreams. Funny ones. I've felt peace. What do you do when you go where you've never gone? How do you know anything when everything is something you've never thought through? Funny how clueless I am in the middle of all this tumult and yet - peace. It's hard to patiently take the first few tentative steps without imagining how fun it would be to run. Gratitude : ) I have never used so many happy faces in my writing ever before. I can't wait to see. I am waiting to see. All I can do is wait. There is nothing else to do. Tomorrow will be a marathon of slow and then when it's finally time I will.. I will be tempted to hide inside my clo...
i couldn't hide my smile if i tried i try but why it's too wide so sigh i laugh a little make it echo in the open tunnel so dark and cool the train screams through breaking into sun you never know until you go what you'll find until you get to the other side and even then you find there's another bend so . . . smile and walk a while
It's late I should go to sleep but I sit listening to a french song sent by a russian friend for me strange yet why not I wonder move on the middle of me threw out some things when i wasn't looking i couldn't keep up the heart to believe them cause they were invisible impossible seeds, dead and gone and I took them too seriously i used to think that facing fear would mean the end and erasing fear but now i see the only remedy is perfect love come so much more than near only He can end rotten thought and cast out fear once for ever little by little all.
Christmas is over. No big deal. Everything good about it is still true, and everything bad about it is a memory and was probably based on pressure we put on ourselves in areas that had nothing to do with Christ and his gift of himself to us. It took me all of four minutes to put my three trees away, a string of lights wrapped around fake bushes (what is it called?? those fake branches that wrap around any and everything), my wreath, the candle that makes things smell like Christmas. The silver stars still hang from the ceiling, but they can stay because they are not red or green and we all know stars hang in the sky every day of our lives. But mostly I want to talk about this picture. I am quite pleased with it. When challenged not to be a poop-head about decorating my place, it occurred to me that decorating could be quite exciting. And oh was it ever. This piece of wrapping paper and Christmas ribbon art left little to be desired in the way of conversation and inspiration. But now it...
It is cold tonight. I went to a hockey game. My niece farted on me. My nephew said “Me play hockey.” Ronald McDonald (he’s real you know) was there and we got hamburger coupons, happymeal toys, and National hockey team flags. I sat with my brother and knew people thought we were a family. And we are, but not like they thought. Brother’s kids. Not my kids. In fact, Ronald McDonald, when he handed me my flag, said, “and one for mom!” HAH. All night I was wondering what people thought – like curious because I haven’t seen my niece and nephew since early September, so they’re a little shy with me, but not with their dad… my brother. So they were hanging off of him and loving life… but I had to work hard and be really patient to capture their affections. So I imagined that people were watching, thinking, “wow. That dad is sure connected with his kids. Wow. How sweet… oh but that mom, something’s wrong there. The little boy doesn’t sit with her, he seems a little scared of her at times.” And...
I live on a hill, in the most beautiful area I have ever seen. Yes, there are roads carved into it and houses stacked up right next to each other... but then there are trees. Mountains. Hills. Sunsets. I am so tired my legs are buzzing. My house is silent, except for my fingers tapping on the keys of my mac. My brain is aware of .. I don't know how many things. My friend who just texted me, a new friend whose email I just read, the pile of Christmas cake on the counter that I hate, but ate a little of because there was nothing else, and my voice - which is so tired. . . and I wonder if I was mean tonight and yelled too much - but what do you do to people who are goofing around. I want to be everyone's friend... Tired. Peace. Jesus. I am alone. I'm surrounded. I make decisions constantly. I wish I had chocolate cake here. I'm glad I don't. If you were me, what one thing would you change?
Change. How. What. When. Why.. Why not.. But of course it can't be broken down (like we try to do to everything else) into some verifiable, 100% predictable 3 step process.. just follow the directions and BAM!! you are CHANGED! I read a quote that said something about how praying doesn't change God, it changes me. So I pray, but when I get up, no magic. HOWEVER!!! sometimes He does things and it impacts my brain, my spirit, my soul.. my something.. with truth that comes from so far outside of me, that I .. dare I say.. I change. He confronts something dark and hopeless inside me with truth, joy and opportunity. What I mean to say, He comes to my prison and offers freedom. Still, it happens over TIME and it usually is something I don't want to change, and so it usually hurts. When truth comes, even then, I have to choose it. I don't always. I usually only become willing to change when I can see my current way of being will make me my own enemy and put me into a prison no...
"You don't deserve it." Could be ugly words. On the other hand, could be a compliment. You don't deserve... to be treated like that, the punishment, to get fired, to miss your promotion. OR You don't deserve ... him - he's too good for you, the pay raise, to be so beautiful... etc. These words got me the other day - and they were the wounds of a friend that brought life and freedom. I lamented that I might become a disappointment to someone, that I might not deserve their love. "You don't," she said. Anger then relief. How rude. How wonderful. I can't. I won't. I don't. Love comes at me and I don't need to worry that it will end because it's not a reward. It just is. And so am I. And there is a big sigh, and then a smile. I don't deserve this, but that doesn't change anything.
Today I could have put the moon in my pocket. It was that close. I drove up a hill toward it and suddenly I knew I just couldn't be alone with this amazing white glowing orb almost touching down right in front of me. So I called my friend and told her to look at it. She was as excited as I, even though her view was obscured and she'd have to first go for a drive in order to encounter the white wonder yonder. That's a friend. Excited with me even though she can't see what I'm talking about. Willing to do something about it because she believes me. Friends. I am so rich. When you have friends, what do you need? I am not sure about many things. Many many things. But when it comes to friends, I am sure that I do not deserve, did not earn, and could not have arranged for the people in my life who have made a decision to love me more than just when they feel like it. I don't understand it, and I try not to become annoying by talking about it too much, but I am fat in ...
It's the funniest feeling. I'm here in Ottawa, trying to be at "THE CRY," but instead I'm at the public library writing. Speaking of public library, there was a line up of like 30 people when I got here this morning. I thought, "man, I'm going to be waiting FOREVER for the internet." but no. They all rushed upstairs. What's up there? I don't care. I got internet. Anyway. So I went to the Hill. No one is there. Of course there are tourists and hot dog vendors, security, the guards as in "the changing of the guard." But no music. No people praying. Weird. That's why I'm here. To check where it is that I'm supposed to be. THe great thing about this city is it is set up for visitors. I've already been given two maps. Very helpful. Lots of info centres around. Anyway, the Cry is apparently at two places and I'm not sure how that works or where that other place is that isn't on the hill where I think everyone else ...
Little white clouds dotted the sky. We walked. The sun was already set, but the light had yet to fade. I talked. I listened. Up the hill and back. What is it about us that it means so much to have another one of us look at us, nod, listen to us, then share them with us. Why when my dreams scare me do I want to tell somebody, when Sparrow says something funny do I have to tell somebody . . . and all I need is for something in their face to communicate that what I said meant something, made sense somehow, or was valuable to them. Sometimes I wish I could truly look into God's face and see how He responds to me. My prayers. My thoughts. My attempts to impress Him. My attempts to run from Him. The times I run to Him. I'd like to see Him nod. Smile. Wink. Oh man I'd love to see Him wink at me. I'd smile for a whole week straight. I wouldn't be able to stop. Winks make my heart flip. Unless the winker is scary... but let's say it's all good. No slime. I hope He w...