Heidi G karlsson

She's 10 month's old now. Last night I thought about waking her up just to hold her. You know when they are all cuddly and warm... they just squish into your arms... but I didn't. I knew if I waited long enough, she'd wake up and I'd get my chance. She did... around 1 am and oh was I happy to pick her up. The chances are getting fewer these days. It's on purpose and I'm very happy to regain my sleep, but I miss her. She must have a tooth coming in that's causing her grief because she's more than warm and pretty clingy. Tough to get stuff done (impossible?) but ... it won't last forever. It won't. What does? I remember in high school a coach I barely knew, in passing said, "Yeah, well what do we know for sure?" and he looked at me like he expected a certain answer. I said, "I don't know" and he seemed surprised. I guess, private Christian school kid, he must have expected me to jump on the evangelistic opportunity and b...

Mom. Yes. this is my mom. Doesn't it look serene? Life can look so easy in pictures. And some times it is. I am stealing time right now... I am a mom. Incredibly, my children all nap in the afternoons. I am trying to co-ordinate the sleepage so as to have some time to myself. Sometimes I nap, sometimes I clean, but today... I write. Back to the mom stuff. It's the hardest job in the world. Well, I'm sure you could find something tougher if you wanted but this isn't a democracy where you get to vote and state your opinions.. it's a blog and I have the choke hold of power on this one :) I don't know if mom-love is possible to explain. I had no idea what it was until I became one, and that kind of makes me mad... I am frustrated for myself, having grown up all these years and not being able to realize, have the capacity to realize how much I was loved. The same for my kids. They get envelopes every morning (if they behave the night before) that are filled with diff...

And somewhere in there... something ... changed.. very, very subtly. Today I need to change, because yesterday I realized that I had developed quite a bad attitude towards my kids. Terrible, I know. I have been apologizing to them when I feel I have not been fair, or have been rude..etc, but I have not been changing. The thing that did it was this mom at the grocery store. She was letting her son push the buttons on the self check out, which is a cool mom thing to do, but her attitude toward him was awful. Reminded me of someone I knew.. someone I saw in the mirror the other day. I could blame many different things - perhaps first and foremost would be sleep deprivation or perhaps, familiarity. Anyway, my guys just woke up from their nap (a little too soon and they're both quite... neeeedy) so I gotta run. But they will see in my face and voice - love.. even when they're being ridiculous. .. well, I will turn my heart that way anyway.

I wanted to write something about reality. Sometimes I like God a little bit more and he is less confusing when life is really difficult. It's easy to mean what I say when I absolutely need God. .. when things won't happen, won't change, won't get better, won't be, unless He does something. We say words like "grace".. there 's this song I was listening to. It went "thank you for your love, thank you for your grace"... blah blah blah something something, then the word "face." So maybe the guy used grace because it rhymed with face. No crime there, but WHAT DOES HIS SONG MEAN? I am a little bit opposed to pretty songs that have sweet arrangements and generic phrases. I like the ones with awkwardnesses.. real things.. like "thank you that I'm not a drunk anymore" or "thanks that I didn't die while I drove reckless like a banchee." Serious. I was listening to someone talk about some stories in the Bible. He w...

I want to write something... anything. Deep and profound doesn't really fit my lifestyle these days.. Simple and wise would be enough. Zoe lies on the floor staring and talking to these little characters suspended from this arched baby toy hangy thing. She is really talking to them. She rolls around, talking, batting at them, and just generally enjoying herself. The boys are having a nap. Well, one is. The other is having his second "I gotta go potty" break. It was supposed to be an urgent poop but apparently "it didn't want to come out." Back in bed is he. And I, well, lunch leftovers are still on the table and counter. Laundry (that my husband folded) sits on the coffee table (I can't put it away while the boys sleep). Zoe is still rolling, spitting and batting. Life is wonderful. This whole "well lived in" home atmosphere gets to me though. A friend told me the quickest way to a clean house is to lower your standards. HA! You lower your stan...

Write a blog, hey. It's Monday night. I'm exhausted. Three kids. I think we're under the weather a bit here. Baby's not necessarily sleeping peacefully. She's a little needy for the comfort of momma and ... here I am. And there I was all last night. It's beautiful. Just what I asked for. So what is this bliss like? Unbelievable. I love deeper than I ever have, but at times it honestly seems like I show it less than ever before... I think I would be a wonderful mother of one. I could pay all the attention I wanted without distraction on one child. I wouldn't have to say, "wait.. wait please... I said WAIT.. I... SAID...ahhhhh!!!" you know how it goes. My judgementalism has incredibly decreased. Almost disappeared... at least when it comes to parenting. Oh my goodness. Is there anything more challenging in the world? Every kid, every stage, every day... it changes it changes it changes. And I beg for wisdom, insight, something... so I can figure out...

There is a little girl sleeping with a smile on her face (gas.. or tender affection for her mother?) on my lap. If I put one arm under her head and the other over her feet, and if I rest my laptop on my knees, I can manage to hold my lap top and even type a little. I am still rocking her side to side because she isn't REALLY asleep yet. She fakes me out all the time with these little cat naps that she takes. Parenthood is really something else. I was just thinking (as she is waking up and making grunting noises and wriggling around here) about my walks to the store with the boys. We have to cross this one major intersection. There is a cross walk (2 in fact) and we navigate them pretty good now. Not so a year ago. I would have dreams about the boys getting hit while we walked across. It was terrible. They didn't understand to stay between the 2 white lines.. and once Noah saw a pop can and abandoned his bike and ran to pick that old pop can up in the name of recycling.. Oh did ...

she is a little lady baby sweet sleep and smile amazing kind of bundle here life is full joy

At first I couldn't believe I was pregnant. Sure the test said "yes", but those things aren't fail proof you know. Then I experienced "morning sickness" and my body started to grow and eventually I began feeling little kicks and movements inside.. It became obvious... but really..I could be be pregnant, but could I really be having a baby? Nah... ever since I was a little baby, I wanted to be a mom. When I could barely walk and talk I would stumble over to my big brother, hold on to him and say "baby!!" and because he was so gentle, he'd refuse to push me away, but would just look at my mom helplessly and we'd both tumble over. I just wanted to be a mom. When I turned 12, I had a "Celebrate your babysitting eligibility" Birthday party. I invited 4 friends and 5 babies and we played games while holding babies, fed babies, changed babies.. etc... Then I babysat every chance I got, held babies at church... I couldn't get enough...

Less than a month before the calendar and all human calculations say that our baby will make an entrance into our 4 person family and make us a big 5 family. Exciting. Mysterious. What will life be like? How will this little person change us? How will this little person change the big brothers? What will sleep deprivation do to me? Or will this be the miraculous sleeping and quietly cooing baby? All we can do is wait..... in the meantime life is pretty normal (besides the fact that I have a multitude of doctor's appointments, go pee every 5 minutes day and night, lumber around in my beautiful rotundness, wear clothes that don't fit me, and get constantly distracted when little waves show up on my belly because someone is doing the "wax on, wax off" from the inside). The kids are hilarious, the budget is a challenge, my husband is ... well there isn't one word, but if I say "I absolutely love my life" would that help bridge the gap on the understanding? I...

It's late. I write. I wait. Pause pause pause (because it's late). Funny how time and thoughts don't always align. Because here I sit with it, but the words are wafting through the windows away from here.. So many directions I could follow those little wondering thoughts.. I wonder if God (and whoever else can see our lives) laughs at us. We pray and sometimes we get the answer we prayed and prayed and prayed for. But then, when the answer comes, it takes work to receive it and ... WHAT?!? is this how my God treats me? I thought answers to prayer were supposed to be like winning the lottery. .. free and easy.. But it's not. My mom printed this verse out for us a while back: "The blessing of the Lord, it makes truly rich, and He adds no sorrow with it, neither does toiling increase it." God is not normal. I sure don't understand much about life. I've been semi-meditating on it (let's be honest - it has been crossing my mind more than the average q...

Heidi, Heidi, how does your garden grow.... Here is some proof that it does. I think these are beans. The other day I found what I think are pumpkins. I thought we'd lost them all, but nope. Perhaps three. Perhaps two. I can't really tell the difference between some weeds and some plants. Rookie gardener. I have huge huge peas growing like wildcats, that is if wildcats grow exuberantly and efficiently. Interestingly, I also have one tomato plant. This makes me most happy because I have one of those tomato supporter things that real gardeners are supposed to have. I'm super legit. Also interesting, the beans reached over a whole row and attached their little growing stems to the tomato supporter thing. How did the beans know? Do they have eyes? Did they sense the shadow cast from the skinny little wire thin tower or.. how did that work? Strange. Neat. Here are some strawberries. Transplanted from a different part of the garden, but plants nonetheless. Poor guys though, they ...

Some nights sleep just doesn't come. It's been a long time, but this is one of those nights. Of course, the culprit is the brain. I have things ...people, ideas, questions, possibilities. . . on the brain. So up I get to try to exorcise some of these things out. I've been wondering (not about this particularly tonight, but the things I'm thinking about tonight are much too fresh to publicly reflect on so you will not be privy to those things.. heh heh) "where" we are supposed to live. I say "where" because it's the ideological "where" not the locality "where." Some people go to tons of Christian meetings. Church, prayer, outreach, special worship time, Bible study, small group, mom's group, worship practice, conference, special speaker, etc, etc, etc. I'm sort of a meeting-a-phobe. Let's say someone is a worship leader type. They could go from cool meeting to cool meeting leading worship, declaring powerful words, ...

And the belly grows. We saw the wee little one through a technological window for the first time last week.. Priceless. It made me almost crazy with excitement. After my husband had dropped me back off at home, I stared at the picture of our little person. I wanted to call everyone. I almost did. I sang to the baby, I cried to the baby.. The boys can't wait to teach the baby all sorts of things. I can't wait to watch our new little eyes on the world take everything in, and then look at me and be absolutely convinced (with no capacity for any other thought because experience has taught nothing other than this) that no matter what he or she sees, that this little soul is safe and secure and everything is going to be fine. A while back we went swimming. It's a little freeing and conspicuous feeling at the same time. Belly all sticking out. Two little kids in tow already ("wow that lady sure is gonna have her hands full....") Funny how I drop things, funny how I fo...

I planted a garden. Again. This year. As in, same garden. Same place. Same dirt...just a few months after we planted the other one. Yeah, the other one didn’t so much grow. Well, the sweet peas, bless them, they grew. But the corn, pumpkins, and whatever else we tried, didn’t grow. I didn’t water them a single time – it was quite rainy so I figured.. Well, I figured wrong. Plus, there was frost a few times. Poor little fragile lifelings. They didn’t make it. So we tried again. One thing is for sure, I can grow weeds. Those things are the happiest, healthiest, most plentiful bunch of living creatures I’ve seen. Surprisingly, however, I like weeding. It’s tough to find time.. the weeds to stink or cry or promise me money, they just proliferate. And I try to keep up. This time I got advice as to how to plant my seeds. How deep. Where. When. What. It’s funny, the directions are the same on the back of all the seed packages. It said to plant them pretty deep, which I did. Who knows. Could h...

I was wondering if God is spontaneous. I personally don't think He is, but I think that if you talked to Him, He would say "I am." I don't know if I am comforted by the possibility that God might be spontaneous, or if the idea of God planning on doing one thing, and then suddenly changing his mind and doing something that comes out of nowhere.. I guess the fact that He is good takes care of everything... spontaneous or not.

"I admire Jesus so much" said the elderly tall man with the small bald head with wild hair on the sides, enlarged stomach, bright yellow sweater and deep accented voice. Did he have glasses? I can't recall. It's not often that I hear someone talk about God in a way that gets my attention. But this guy had it. "I don't think (pause) you should (pause) fight to be like Jesus (giggle. pause) fighting just makes you tired (pause) you become like the ones you admire. you just spend time with them (pause) I just love to look at Jesus. I'm in love with him (giggle) I admire him so much..." and on he went. It might sound like he was a flake, but he wasn't. He commanded my attention. Sometimes people talk about ideas, other people talk about a reality. What do you do? What do I do? Sometimes I fight bitterness because Jesus doesn't show up in my life like I want him to. I WANT to look at him, but I can't see past the back of my eyelids.. I can...

"Stop being so helpless!" This is what I had to say to myself while on my hands and knees in the garden weeding. I was thinking, "This is my first garden. I don't know what I'm doing. I need someone. I am not good at this. I have no experience. I've never done this. I need someone to tell me what to plant. I need someone to take me to the store and help me buy seeds. Maybe someone should just give me seeds. What if I buy the wrong ones? I need someone to tell me where to plant them. I can't do this. I need someone. Who can help me? Who can tell me what to do? Who can come do this for me.. ??" I know. You wouldn't think it, but that's what was in the head that day. And it's in there a lot of days. Every time I come up against something I've never done, I want my hand held. .. which is fine, sort of. Unless it stops me from moving forward. And it does. I expect my kids to be willing to potty train and poop and pee in their pants for a ...

Capacity. It's a word I've been thinking about lately. A couple of years ago a friend and I were training for a triathlon. Neither of us were strong swimmers so we decided to take lessons. One of the exercises we had to do was see how long we could swim along the bottom of the pool before surfacing.. to expand our breathing capacity. At first we barely made it half way across the pool. We panicked, thrashed, and emerged spitting water ungloriously and feeling like failures... as if we could ever make it all the way across the dumb pool. We hated practicing it because it was scary. When you run out of oxygen, or THINK you have, you panic. But then we learned a few tricks, practiced a few more things and eventually could complete a whole length. It was amazing. Nothing changed on the outside, but something inside grew - physical lung capacity as well as mental capacity to stay calm and remain under the water while pushing to the end:). My capacity for being a mom has increased. I...

I am the magic. Yes, that's me. I didn't used to be the magic but I am now. I have to be. It's either sink or swim. I must admit, my magic isn't very strong however. My mom, her magic? Wow. Now there's something to talk about. Or not. .. because it's magic. No one knew how it happened, or when, but the toilet paper was always there. It magically appeared in the cupboard or on the spool. Food on the table? Every day. Snacks in the cupboard? There. Clean clothes? Check the basket. Ride home from school? Just look out the window. There she was. No one noticed or said thanks, just there she was, there it was, there we were, well cared for without a thought about how all these special things were pre-ordained for our comfort and enjoyment. And now I need to be the magic. I feel sorry for the members of my family who resorted to kleenex that was on the other side of the house when I failed to buy more toilet paper to replenish our supply on time, or the ones who had ...